Marriage is Work

Today, is my 7th wedding anniversary.  7 years ago, I walked to the front of a beautifully decorated room, filled with everyone that I knew and loved, wearing a gorgeous princess A-line gown.  My hair was perfect, nails were done, makeup was exactly as I had pictured.  My bridesmaids looked beautiful, the groomsmen looked handsome, and the fountain that we were going to say our vows at, was really the perfect location!  I linked arms with my dad, and we headed down the aisle.  I was happy, I was blissful, and I was completely ignorant to what marriage means!
That day was stressful, but it was literally a dream come true.  From the first time I married 2 of my Barbie dolls, or played dress up with a comforter tied around my waste and a pillow case on my head... I had been planning my wedding.  I knew exactly what I wanted that day to be like, and it lived up to my dreams.  I know the saying is "Money can't buy you happiness", but it can buy you a beautiful wedding day!  The price tag that came with that perfect day, definitely led to some of our earliest financial arguments!  However, the biggest issue with THAT DAY, is the actual wedding!  I was so lost in all of the planning that goes into having a wedding, that I ignored the fact that I was entering into marriage.  I was young, I was a bride, and that was all that mattered.  I can actually remember coming home from our honeymoon & thinking... NOW WHAT?!?!?  I have nothing left to plan.

The truth is MARRIAGE is sooooooooo much more than a WEDDING.  I have seen a lot of divorce happening to people my age, and my heart hurts.  There are a million reasons that a couple simply can't stay together, but I often hear "We have nothing in common.". My immediate thought is, how could you marry someone without having anything in common??  Then I think back to my relationship with my husband in August of 2006.  It was the longest relationship I had been in at that point in my life.  I had dated Derik, for more than a year, and I THOUGHT that we needed to "move forward".  I wasn't ready to get married, really.  I just wanted to live together, I wanted a diamond ring, and I wanted my Cinderella day!  I moved in with Derik that month (Yes, we were living in sin...) and I nagged him every day after that for a ring.  I didn't care that rings cost a small fortune, and I didn't know that he was making payments on one!  I didn't care that he might be waiting for the right moment, I just wanted him to tell me that he wanted to spend his life with me.  I was ...SELFISH.  Selfish, has NO ROOM in a marriage, but I didn't know that.
Derik asked me to marry him on October 22, 2006 at 4:30 in the morning!!!  We had fallen asleep in the living room watching a movie, when our then roommate and friends came in from a night at the club!!  We decided that we should go to bed since it was 4am!!  We headed to bed, and I rolled over immediately to go back to sleep.  Derik was talking, but I heard nothing!  It was like background noise from the TV.  Eventually, Derik said "Jess, could you roll over & look at me?", and more annoyed than I could ever explain... I did as he asked, and rolled over.  In his hand was an open ring box, and there was my perfect 3 stone diamond engagement ring.  It was everything I had imagined.  In that moment, I completely forgot that Derik was actually making a life long commitment to me, and all I cared about was that gorgeous rock!  I put it on my finger, and called 3 people!!  My mom, my dad, and my best friend, Sarah.  All of them were happy to hear that I was engaged, yet none of them wanted to talk about it at 4:30 in the morning!  So, I went back to sleep.
The next day, I began planning the wedding of my dreams.  I had already picked a date, so location, dress, cake, invitations, flowers, tuxedos, bridesmaid dresses, honeymoon, wedding favors, rehearsal dinner, limos... and everything else you can imagine... was where my mind was.  We emailed our pastor, and learned that our church was not willing to marry us, as we were already living together.  So, January 22, 2007, we headed to the courthouse with my mom & StepDad as witnesses & legally tied the knot!  We could have stopped the wedding circus there.  We could have had a party, and tell the world that we "eloped", but I needed my Cinderella story.  Our pastor agreed to officiate the wedding being that we were married already, and we began Pre-Marital Counseling... which was odd because we were married!  The point of this counseling is to prepare you for marriage, so that if you see any red flags in the relationship, you can work on things before you say "until death do us part" or you can call it off.  Since, we were already married... this was really more of a "What are your expectations of marriage?!?!" type of course.  We smiled & said all of the right things, but my head wasn't there.  My head was in the wedding plans, and I was immersed in what September 22nd would hold for us, BUT I should have been thinking about the rest of our lives.

The day finally came, and I was walking down the aisle.  We pledged our love, we exchanged rings, we lit a candle, and we kissed in front of everyone.  We walked back down the aisle, and it was all over with.  More photographs than one can imagine, {an overpriced} dinner, cake, dancing, champagne toasts, and the entire thing was over.  The day I had been so focused on was over.  That is ok, I had my bridal portrait in the newspaper, and a honeymoon to think about!  Airports, fancy cars, expensive hotel room, gambling, more overpriced food, show tickets, helicopter tours, more gambling, because we honeymooned in Vegas!  One week of no problems, and only each other to think about.  Then... just like that, I was no longer a bride... I was Derik's wife.  
I had no clue how to be a wife!  I hadn't thought it through.  I was so young, 22, and I had just promised the rest of my life to someone.  I didn't know what I was doing, and I had no clue how much work FOREVER would be.  So, how do you do forever??  How do you make a marriage work??  I know I am no marriage expert... but in the 7 years I have been married, this is what I have learned about the subject.

Marriage is...
                        SELFLESSNESS & COMPROMISE
You can't be selfish in your marriage.  When you both make the effort to put your spouse first, you will find that both of your needs are met.  When you are selfish, you will ultimately end up hurting the one you love. They will feel unimportant, and like they are not a priority.  Compromise is constant in a marriage!  You have to find that middle ground where everyone can be happy.  Compromise prevents arguments, and it is much easier to find a compromise when you are being selfless!

Marriage is...
                        HONESTY & RESPECT
Honesty is by far one of the most important pieces of the marriage puzzle.  When you spend as much time with someone as you spend with your spouse, you feel betrayed over even the smallest of lies.  Omission tends to feel like a lie, so be open and honest.  In our marriage, we both feel that you can't over share!  If we don't want to know, we say so!  Being honest shows that you respect that person enough to tell them the truth.  Even if that means you may get yelled at!  Respect & honesty go hand in hand!

Marriage is...
                        PATIENCE & COMPASSION
Let's face it, no matter what your mother said, you can't "train" your spouse.  They are never going to do everything the way that you would do it.  Why would you want them to?  Your spouse is perfect to God. That is right, God thinks that your spouse is exactly the way they should be.  So, who are you to think they need to be different?  When they do something differently than you would... think of it as quirky!  Smile, and think to yourself, "He is a mess, but I love him just the way he is"!  Be PATIENT and realize that while you may think your spouse has flaws... they likely think the same thing about you!  Wouldn't you want your spouse to show you compassion when you do something that they think is "wrong"?!?!  When you are patient, you are compassionate!  When you are impatient, you can be hurtful.  Even if you say nothing, impatience is saying "are you an idiot" without even opening your mouth.

Marriage is...
                        LOVE & KINDNESS
You may think this is obvious is marriage, but it is not always easy to be kind.  Make an effort every day to show kindness.  That means being supportive, encouraging, patient, and remembering that words can cut much deeper than real weapons.  Unkind words can leave permanent scars that you can not fix.  So, before you throw that weapon around, rethink the sentence.  Be very careful about throwing the "D" word around lightly.  It isn't a threat you should make.  Using any threats in a marriage is the complete opposite of kind, and of love.  It is easy to love someone without being in love with them... so work hard on staying in love.  It will make it so much easier to be kind!  Stop seeking out your spouses flaws, and focus on their strengths.

Marriage is...
                        ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE, & NOT YOUR KIDS
And, I am guessing that I just touched a nerve on a lot of readers.  I am a mother myself, and I love my children very much.  BUT, the fact is my marriage outranks my babies.  I will be a mother, no matter if I am married or not, but I will not be married if I only focus on being a mother.  My husband needs to feel important, he needs to feel respected, he needs to feel loved, and so does yours.  It was you and him before the kids came along, and it will be you and him after they leave.  Remember that every time your anniversary rolls around!  You spend hundreds of dollars, invite everyone you know, and make a huge hoopla over a child's birthday.  There is nothing wrong with that, but shouldn't the anniversary of your lifelong commitment be just as important??  Make your spouse your top priority in your family.  Your children will respect you for that when they are older, and your relationship will stay lock tight as your raise your children together.

I will be the first to admit that marriage is a full time job.  I am one of those strange chicks who doesn't like The Notebook, I don't need roses to feel romance, and I do not believe in soulmates.  I do not believe that Derik was put on this planet for me.  I believe that I love him, more than I even understand.  I believe that I promised him a life together, and I believe that every day, I have to WORK to make it work!  Marriage is work, and if you are going to be married, you can't be ignorant to the work that is vital for it to be successful!
Happy Anniversary babe.  I love you & I will continue working on our marriage, forever!