Chapter 1

Writing has always been something I have loved.  It is my outlet, and gives me a way to express my thoughts and my feelings in an organized and rational way.  You can find me journaling and blogging often as I find it therapeutic.  Everyone needs an outlet, and everyone has hobbies that they enjoy.  Writing just happens to be one of those things for me.

So, when I look ahead to my future... even though I am in my "late-early 30s"... my dream job or career would involve writing.  Basically I am saying that when I grow up, I want to be a writer!

For those who follow me on Facebook, many are aware that I have been writing a book.  I write chapters here and there when the mood strikes me, but I want to complete it.  I want to publish it.  I want to be able to call myself a legitimate writer, and claim writing as my career.

I have sent the unedited draft of my book in the works to 3 people.  These 3 people were not only people I respect and value the opinions of, but people I felt would be supportive, but also honest about what they read.  The feedback was better than I expected, and also showed that I have some work left to do.

As another very chaotic season with Hallmark is coming to an end, and we are rolling into the easier months of summer with my job, I find myself back in that writing space.  Do I complete this project? Do I write about something else and just start new?  Do I actually attempt to pursue this and set some goals for myself?

I thought that the best way to answer some of these questions, is by releasing a sample of my writing right here in my blog.  So, here goes nothing!  Chapter 1 of my book in progress is titled "The Perfection Perception", and it is directed to all of the overachieving parents who continue to set unrealistic expectations and standards for themselves and their families.

Chapter 1 is below and I would love to know what your thoughts are after reading it.  Share this blog post on your FB if you enjoyed it, so I can get a more widespread survey.  I hope and pray that there are people who want to read more of my writing out there!

---------------------------------------- CHAPTER 1 ----------------------------------------

THE PERFECTION PERCEPTION

A birthday party is scheduled, and the date is officially on the calendar.  So, I am scanning Pinterest at 12:30am.  I should be asleep, but how can I possibly close my eyes and rest when there are so many things that need my attention.  Themes mean decorating, and cakes, and games.  This will take weeks, and hours of work.  I am up for the challenge though. I mean after all, she only turns 5 once, right?  

My 5th birthday party was a sleepover.  My mom told me I could invite 5 friends, and apparently I wasn’t very good at counting!  Or I was great at counting, and horrible at excluding people.  At 32, I still do not like for anyone to feel excluded.  So, I invited 13 friends to my birthday sleepover.  That’s right, we had a 1000 square ft house, and I invited 13 girls to come spend the night!  The girls brought sleeping bags, my mom made a cake, and we watched cartoons and movies on tv.  

I had fun at that party.  I can still remember a lot of things about it!  As an adult, I feel terrible for my mom and all that she endured that night.  She says we didn’t sleep at all.  She also told me that she had to braid everyone’s hair the next morning, because I wanted mine braided!  Moms are amazing, thank you Momma!

Now it was my turn to host my daughter’s 5th birthday, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.  It wasn’t just as simple as picking a fun theme, and decorating it super cute.  It was also coming up with a unique party idea that none of her friend’s had done already.  I didn’t realize that in 2015, it was just as big of a deal in the parent circle as it was in the kid circle.  Parents trying to pull off the event of the year for their kids.  Not just to make them happy, but to impress each other with their amazing ideas and party planning skills.  Yes, this was reality!

My daughter at 5 years old was in her 2nd year as an all star cheerleader.  She had too many friends to count, and I had to come up with an idea that would allow all of them to participate.  How on earth could I pull this off?  I mean, reality is, I wasn’t married to a lawyer, and we had a budget!  But I smiled, and I planned.  

My then husband was the General Manager of a movie theater in town, and not just any movie theater either.  This was an adult’s only theater that was basically a fine dining restaurant which showed movies.  I will not mention the name of this theater, as I do not want to advertise for them.  You will understand why in a couple of chapters, so until then, let’s get back to the story.  

A Movie Themed party had not been done.  I was able to fill the theater, which allowed us to invite up to 60 people.  And I had full reign over the party.  Scheduled at 10am, I had a red carpet entrance with a step repeat set up!  The girls entered the party and received VIP lanyards to wear around their neck.  They gained access to the red carpet and had their pictures taken like stars.  

When they entered the theater, they were allowed to choose their seat, which of course were luxury plush leather chairs.  They were given popcorn and drinks, and offered many snacks during the feature.  Since we had full control of the theater, my daughter selected her favorite Disney movie, The Descendants, to show on the big screen.  Just before noon, we brought in Chick Fil A nuggets and served lunch, because each seat also had a pull out tray.  

After the movie ended, everyone sang Happy Birthday to the birthday girl, and enjoyed cupcakes.  The cupcakes were of course from the best bakery in town, because that was the only option.  And each cupcake was topped with a custom made Director’s Board topper.  

As each guest left they were given a goody bag which contained a bag of microwavable popcorn, a Hershey Bar, and a Director’s Board keychain.  The girls loved it, and they all had such a great time.

I felt like I had succeeded.  I had thrown the ultimate 5th birthday for my daughter, and while I didn’t pay for the facility, it still cost a small fortune!  I was blown away how fast it all added up.  The food, the cupcakes, the invitations, the decorations, the party bags… my gracious.  

Sacrifices had to be made that month so that this party could happen.  Of course we could have done something smaller.  Of course we didn’t have to invite 40 kids.  Of course we didn’t have to try and impress everyone we knew with the ultimate and unique birthday bash, but that just wasn’t an option. 

I had fallen victim to the “Perfection Perception”, just as so many other moms I know.  It wasn’t even about simply impressing the party guests, but posting the pictures on social media had to leave everyone who wasn’t invited impressed too.  That social media mess has really screwed us all up!  It’s like every single day in our lives is a 10 year high school reunion.  We are all living for an audience of people, most of which we don’t even talk to on a regular basis.  

I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself.  Growing up, I wasn’t a part of that “popular crowd”, and I always wanted to be.  I was picked on and made fun of and peer pressure controlled me most of my life. This need to impress people ran deep, and was now seeping out into my adult life as a parent.  

The realization that this was happening didn’t even hit me until last year.  It is sad that I was working so hard to impress other parents.  As if I needed them to validate that I was a good mom because I wasn’t cool in high school.  That concept really bothers me now that I am aware of it.  A few years ago, you would find me posting pictures of an event like this one online before it was even over.  I needed the world to see that my world was amazing.  I needed that because the reality of my world was far from it, and I didn’t dare let anyone see that.  

I had set this false sense of perfection into motion years before.  If it wasn’t birthday parties, it was the Elf on the Shelf.  If it wasn’t the Elf on the Shelf, it was attempting to homeschool.  If it wasn’t homeschooling, it was a New Years Eve party, or a Super Bowl Party, or a date night, or redecorating a room.  Anything, anything at all that I could post to set the perfection perception into place again.  

It was exhausting.  I missed a lot of life looking through a camera.  I wanted to catch every perfect moment so I could share it.  That meant a lot of times, I didn’t see the real thing.  I wasn’t enjoying life, and you only get those years with your kids one time.  They are only little once.  I hate that I lost a lot of that time living to impress anyone that followed me online.  

The perfection perception is one that we need to be more aware of.  I am not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions, but I made one this year.  I wanted to spend more time living a life, than posting about one online.  After the last year of my life, I lost the will to care if anyone is impressed by what I do on the daily!  I think this was a very good thing to lose, and it shows growth in me as a person.  

The perception of perfect is one that is very hard to shatter.  You know that you built that illusion, and tearing it down could paint you out to be a fraud.  This is something no one wants anyone to think about them.  I am not a liar, and I was disgusted with myself when I realized what I had done.  I had painted such a beautiful picture that people would never believe the reality, would they?

I was going to get blamed for all of it.  The city was about to burn to the ground, and it was going to be my fault.  My tombstone would read, “Here lies Jessica, the greatest disappointment of all.”  Everyone would laugh at me, and think “she did it again, such a failure.”

First of all, let me inform you that your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say!  Mine isn’t going to be a tombstone, but if I wanted to have one, it would say “Jessica, Badass Extraordinaire”!  The day the truth went public, I held my breath, and hit POST.  I was terrified, but I was so tired of living a lie, that it just poured out.  

I didn't realize how much I had come to dislike myself.  Constantly disappointing myself and drowning in the stress and anxiety that came from the world I had created and allowed myself to continue living.  The failure that I was so afraid of the world thinking I was, was simply something I felt about myself.  We are our own worst critics, but I was beyond critical of myself.  I couldn't seem to do anything right in my opinion, and the opinion of other's seemed to matter more than ever before.  Blowing the whistle on the lie I had been living felt like someone had taken a ton of bricks off my chest.  I could breathe again, and even though I feared what people would think and say, I was relieved that the lie was over.  

What happened next was incredible.  I was flooded with messages, texts, and phone calls.  An overwhelming support washed over me, and I spoke to people I hadn’t spoken to in years.  They cried with me, they were shocked for me, and they were so encouraging that I started to believe it would be okay.  After a few days, I realized that the life I was used to may have been over, but I had a second chance.  A chance to be happy, and make a life for myself that wasn’t meant to impress anyone else.  One that was meant for me, and I set out to make it happen.  

The walls had crumbled, and the truth was exposed.  I am far from perfect, and life had been hard for a very long time.

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Thank You to everyone who has supported me,

Semper Fi

There’s this man that is 

no longer a boy. 

He’s waiting on paperwork 

so he can deploy.

I can’t tell you his name 

or where he is going.

Because we wouldn’t want 

the wrong people knowing. 

All I can tell you is 

he needs your prayers.

He needs them today 

as he prepares. 

He needs them next week 

and while he travels.

He needs prayers for peace 

so his nerves don’t unravel. 

He needs them next month 

while he adjusts to a new place.

He needs prayers for the others 

with him at his base. 

He needs prayers for his family 

who will miss him so much. 

This is a major life change 

which takes time to adjust. 

So the next time you stop 

to talk to the Lord.

Pray that this sacrifice 

reaps many rewards. 

Pray that He blesses 

this man and his family.

Pray for protection, 

for peace, and humanity. 

#semperfi

Written By 

Control Z

Have you ever made a parenting decision that you regret? 

My guess is that you answered that question with a YES!  

I don't care if you are a single parent, or have a strong marriage and work together as a team.  I don't care if you stay home with your kids, or work full time.  I don't care if you homeschool, pay for private school, or are a public school system kind of home...

We goof up.  ALL OF US.

I often find myself thinking, why did you do that to yourself?  In moments like this, the graphic designer in me wishes I could just simply hit Control+Z and try again.  Unfortunately it isn't that simple when you have to undo a mistake like the one I made.  

She was turning 9, and I was so immersed in the chaos of life that I simply couldn't think of anything rational to do for her birthday.  I work for Hallmark, and her birthday is Valentine's Day.  I was also one of the head coaches for her competitive cheerleading team, and we were practicing 3 times a week.  I was drowning in work, because of the holiday, and I was 2 weeks away from our first cheerleading competition of the season.  

Mistake #1 - The Dog

She had begged for a dog for years.  I had grown tired of the pleas.  I had weighed the good and the bad.  I wasn't willing to do a puppy, but a dog with a great track record for minimal shedding, being good with kids, and going to the bathroom outside seemed like it might work.  

Our house is small, and there wasn't a lot of space for a dog, but this dog was medium in size and she was done growing.  My son could benefit from the dog too.  He loves animals and they are in a sense, therapeutic to him in a very calming way.  I had the help of his in home nurse as well.  I had faith in the ability of 2 adults to care for a well trained dog.

CONTROL+Z

After the dog pooped in my house daily for 2 weeks, escaped the back yard twice, and began refusing food, I had to face the facts... she was miserable.  She was terrified of everything, including our home nurse.  I was in this battle all by myself.  

I had just managed to potty train my son, and here was on my hands and knees cleaning up poop, AGAIN.  It didn't take long for me to reach that point of no return.  I gave it all I had, and I was tapping out.  The dog was returned to her original owner, and I sold all of her essentials that I had purchased.

NOW WHAT?

What I am going to give my daughter for her birthday that will be as exciting as the dog was?  How can I save this birthday and not let her down?  It is too late to plan a party for her, which we had decided to forego since we spent so much on the dog.  

Mistake #2 - The Phone

I spoke to so many of my friends before making this purchase.  All of them telling me that a monthly phone plan was a complete waste.  "They never call anyone at this age."  Most of the kids who have a phone plan at this age are splitting time with parents due to custody arrangements, which is a problem we don't really have.  After weighing the options and the costs, I decided to get her an iPod Touch.  

This would give her the feel and function of a phone, without the crazy expense of a plan.  

I am willing to admit there was no need for a phone.  I am willing to admit that I was practically clueless on what the consequences would be here.  I am even willing to admit that the biggest reason for this purchase was my need as a parent to prevent FOMO for my daughter.  

Watching her unwrap it was exciting.  She was OVER THE MOON happy.  What dog?!  She wasn't sad or upset anymore, and now she could "fit in" in a way that I was never able to do as a kid.  

She wasn't the only one without a "phone", and she was able to be a part of the world that her friends were.  

CONTROL+Z

The day after her birthday, this chick was already changing.  Her inability to be alone, ever, grew astronomically.  I would walk into her room and find her on FaceTime with a friend or a group of friends.  They weren't doing anything.  She was playing on her own, and not even talking to them.  They were there and that was enough for her.  I found that she was unable to pause her train of thought on the phone to accomplish anything being asked of her.  Simple instructions went unheard and tasks performed often and daily were being skipped or done incorrectly.  The worst part however, became the constant question... "Can I download this app?"  Of course I put security measures in place so she couldn't download anything on her own.  Of course I asked parents of other children her age about apps before I said yes.  Of course I was making sure that she was "safe" online.

Mistake #3 - Social Media

Anxiety that worsened daily.  Depression that spawned like the plants that died in the winter and you had forgotten about completely until the peaked through the mulch last month.  Numbness created in my daughter that I wasn't aware was possible.  

Giving a child access to social media is one of the biggest parenting mistakes I have made to date.  

There is a reason we have to lie about their age.  It has been determined that these kids are too young for these services, and I am seeing the why very quickly.  

At 9 years old, I played outside.  I remember drawing cities out of sidewalk chalk and driving my bike through them.  I remember using rocks and sticks to build "houses" and moving the outdoor furniture into my new place.  I remember looking forward to school because I saw my friends again.  Going to Girl Scouts was the highlight of the week, and there was no such thing as the internet.  We didn't have a computer.  We didn't even have the ability to record what was coming on TV tonight.  Instant gratification was minimal, and everything was a treat!  We couldn't afford to go out to eat, and there was no weekly trips to ChickFilA.  We played outside because if we told Mom that we were bored, she would find a chore for us to do!  We had imaginations because we had no choice.  

At 9 years old, my daughter constantly worries about what her friends are doing.  "She had a sleepover with so and so."  "Why didn't she invite me to this?"  "Why can't I have this?"  She has been sobbing and melting down too many times too count because she knows too much about what she is not a part of!  By trying to prevent FOMO, I actually have created the biggest of all FOMO monsters.  She has absolutely no concept of money or appreciation for what she has.  "She got a new iPhone X mom, really, all I have is an iPod."  "They went to Great Wolf Lodge for 3 days, and you have never taken me there once."  "Look, she has cute clothes, and you never let me go shopping."

She is oblivious to her responsibilities at home.  Her room is a mess, constantly, and I have to threaten her losing the phone to clean it.  She doesn't want to take a shower in the evening because she is talking to "so and so".  She doesn't want to eat dinner with us because she can't have electronics at the table.  She doesn't seem to understand the danger of posting online.  She doesn't know that posting a video where she says the name of her school, exposes her to the risk of abduction.  She sees a video on TikTok and copies it unaware of what the song says or that throwing the bird to the camera is not age appropriate.

How can I undo the madness I have created?  How can I create gratitude and true appreciation for the things my daughter has?  How can I take away this completely unnecessary anxiety and depression?  How can I help her understand that the internet is a dangerous place that can expose her to an evil world?

CONTROL+Z

We are officially in Boot Camp mode.  

I make mistakes often, and I am woman enough to admit when I do so.  

Phone... Gone.  Social Media... Gone.  Internet... Gone.  

Fitting in with her friends is not worth the brattiness, the lack of awareness, or the sheer stress.

My kids DO NOT run my house.  It's time for Mom to put things back in check. 

I have to undo what I have unintentionally let happen.

CONTROL+Z