A Decade of Growth

It has been so long since I have put pen to paper (or fingers to keys) and poured out my thoughts in a blog. I have changed a lot over the last couple of years and I am not the same person who wrote the previous blog post. 

I find myself today, at 38 years old in a strange season of life that seems hard to explain. I have accidently but voluntarily become a loaner, and seem to find my self isolated more often than not. I started a business this year that thrives on social media marketing. This means I spend a good portion of my time on social media, interacting with followers and brands. That also means I don't find joy in social media anymore. Where I used to feel connected to people from every walk of life I have taken, I now see stress and mental exhaustion. There is a dark side to social media that most people will never see, but when you create content for a living... it slaps you in the face a few times a month. There is so much hate and vitriol out in the world, but I try not to let it dull my spark. Maybe I will be the light in someone's day that they needed, and so I press on. 

I have found myself in a stage of life where my friendships are very few. In my 20s I felt like I needed everyone's approval and I let people walk all over me. Friends at all costs, to my own detriment. My 30s however, especially my late 30s, have started standing up for myself and creating boundaries. It is amazing how much people hate it when you won't let them use you or abuse you anymore! For a long time now I have felt a weight on me that I must be a really hard person to be friends with. I mean, these women take advantage of me and my friendship for a good chunk of time and then POOF, they are gone. I looked at this rejection as a reflection of myself and my own character. Maybe I just attract the wrong kind of friends, or maybe my personality is too much for people. I am honest and I am blunt, but I am also kind and I give way too many chances. So what could the problem be here, is it me? 

I had an aha moment today. A culmination of a few pieces of information that all lead me to a "Oh, I get it now" place. The issues is not me. In fact there is no issues at all. I have been focused on people treating me poorly and tossing me out, constantly looking to God saying "why me?" "Cant you make this better God, I don't deserve to be treated like this." 

While I was focusing on the negative, God has been focusing on my growth. These lessons have taught me a lot, and I have seen myself grow so much through each of them. I am no longer quick to react with nasty words in retaliation. I don't feel the need for retribution or to defend my honor to anyone. If people want to believe the lies, let them! 

But this isn't even the growth God has focused on. I fully believe that God has removed the unnecessary from my life so that I can focus on one thing. HIM. I can lean on Him instead of a "friend" who will talk about me behind my back. I can run to Him for advice when I am having a hard day as a Mom. I can focus on the wife that He has called me to be. He has eliminated the drama and the stress for me so my ADD doesn't cloud my perspective. 

I tend to be a YES person. If someone asks me to do something, even if I am maxed out or do not want anything to do with that... I still say yes. In fact, I have always envied people who can simply say no! HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!?! But I am finding that sometimes it is okay to focus on myself, especially if it ties to my relationship with God. It is okay to walk away from a conversation where someone is putting their husband down, because I love my husband I do not want to commiserate with them. It is okay to not want to hang out with someone because the way they parent makes it difficult for me to be a good mom to my own kids. it is okay to say I can't help you move, or loan you money, or watch your kids because it would mean putting my own family in a bad place. God has allowed me to grow towards Him and find security in who I am by removing people from my world that didn't guide me in the right direction. On the same note, He has also put people in my life and provided opportunities that help lift me and encourage me to continuing growing. 

This morning I took my Abbie to a homeschool PE class and while she was in class, I walked. I needed to get my steps in and close that exercise ring!! I am working on me, and that involves my health and fitness as well. While I walked lap after lap, I listened to a podcast by Joyce Meyer and man did it hit home. The message was on rejection. I am notorious for relating any kind of rejection to a rejection of ME. If someone criticized my kids, I was a bad mom. If someone didn't like dinner, I was a terrible cook. I developed stage fright after so many rejections at auditions and refused to sing in front of anyone. The issue with logic like this is, not everyone raises kids the same way. Not everyone has the same palate when it comes to food. Not everyone likes the same kind of music or singers. Opinions are subjective, and while I heard that rejection and applied it to I AM TERRIBLE AT (fill in the blank), that isn't reality. Jesus faced rejection of epic proportions and it didn't stop Him from being who He was called to be. So I can't live in this headspace that I am a failure because someone didn't approve. 

After her PE class, we had a women's Bible Study focused on being better than a Mediocre Mom. Society likes to relate to each other and how hard life is. We whine and complain through sarcastic memes and look for people to say "I get it, me too". But don't our kids deserve more than that? They deserve to have a Mom who fills her own gas tank up so that she can keep going and going until the day is over. This HIT HOME. I have 7 TVs in my house... SEVEN. One in each bedroom, the living room, the basement, the gym, and one on the back porch. That means 7 people can be watching something on one of the countless streaming options... Youtube TV, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Max, or Hulu, at the same time. And lets not forget that we also all have phones, and computers, and Chrome books, and iPads. There is a distraction around EVERY CORNER. Here you go kiddos, it is 6, and I am exhausted. Get whatever you want out of the pantry for dinner, or I can run by ChickFilA. Go sit in front of the tv with a device in hand and zone out. 

How is that filling anyone's tank up? What are my kids learning? What will they want their marriage to look like, and how will they raise their kids if this is what they know?? They deserve more, they deserve a family and family experiences. They deserve unconditional love and not an annoyed mom. They deserve grace and not anger. They deserve more than mediocre and the fact that I can process this and understand it as opposed to getting defensive shows GROWTH! 

The fact that I can step back and realize that rejection doesn't always mean the worst, is GROWTH! 

The fact that I can do all of these things, and have the time to focus on being a better mother because God has removed the ones draining me dry. And the fact that I can realize that and thank Him, is GROWTH! 

I see what you did there God, and I am grateful for all of it. 

The book from the Bible Study I am doing is called M is for Mama and it is a GREAT read! If you would like to look into it, here is the information.

The Childhood Me

As adults, the memories that we have from our childhood impact our lives more than we could ever imagine.  No matter how much we grow, there are things that built a foundation in your life and molded you into the person you are today.  As one could expect, some of these things are good, and had a positive influence on who you are.  Unfortunately some were also bad, leaving a negative influence on who you are today.  

For example, I bet that if you flash back to a family dinner as a child, you can hear your parents saying you need to clean your plate.  As a mom, I even sang the "Clean Plate Club" song to my kids and rewarded them with dessert when they successfully cleaned their plate.  As an child, I did not understand that food is expensive, or that my parents hated throwing any of it away.  As an mom, I know that my children need the nutrition, so I encourage them to eat what I make for them.  As an adult, I now feel like I need to clean my plate at every meal.  I didn't realize until recently that this is actually unhealthy.  It is unhealthy to my body to force myself to eat everything plated, but it is also unhealthy mentally.  I have felt real guilt when I ordered something in a restaurant and didn't finish it.  I have eaten things I didn't like and eaten when I wasn't hungry simply because I felt very real guilt for not eating it.  I have found myself apologizing over and over and explaining why I didn't finish everything on my plate.  I have carried boxes of food home with no intention of eating what was inside of them to show that I have plans of eating what I didn't finish while we were dining.  How is this healthy?  Instead of forcing my children to clean their plates which may lead to some unhealthy eating habits as adults, perhaps I should encourage them to make their own plates.  Telling them that they need to eat what they plate, and teach them to only take what they will eat.  

As a child I developed an unhealthy desire to please people.  I didn't realize that it was unhealthy when I was young,  I just wanted someone to notice me, to be impressed by me in some way, and to make them proud.  That desire back then led to me appearing to crave attention.  I can remember everyone saying that "Jessica loves being the center of attention."  The funny thing is I actually hated it when all eyes were on me.  I made jokes when I was the center of attention, which were often about myself, just to break what I felt like was awkward tension.  I was a closeted introvert.  Masking myself as an extrovert to hide the fact that I feared what everyone thought about me.  Trying harder and harder to please them or impress them even though I was going about it the wrong way.  

As an adult I still find myself desperately seeking praise from those close to me and those I interact with in every facet of my life.  This often leaves me feeling drained and inadequate.  I push myself harder and harder trying to please everyone around me, and it never works.  It is absolutely impossible for me to please everyone!

So, how exactly can I stop letting this desire to please others affect me in a way that controls everything I do and say?  I think there are a couple of things that I can do to make this change.

1.  I can stop putting so much value in the opinions of others.  Why do I let the opinions of everyone else affect me so deeply?  They are entitled to their opinions, as I am my own.  So if their opinions on my choices or actions are different from my own, should I let it change those choices or actions?  Did I not think about those choices and actions before I made them?  Did I not make those choices and actions based on what was best for myself, my family, or my situation?  Yes, so why do I let that need for praise dictate what I do with my life?

2.  I can stop offering so much of myself to the world, for opinions to be made on.  If those around me are entitled to their opinions, then I can't be mad simply because they form them.  Inevitably opinions will be made about the things you put out for the world to see.  Social media makes us feel like we need to share our lives.  Often I feel obligated to share big news, even if I am not ready to do so.  That obligation sometimes stems from the fear that someone else will share my news first.  But it also stems from a childhood desire to impress those in my life.  I am not a "Keep up with the Jones' " type of person, so why do I care who is impressed and who is not?

3.  I have to stop expecting everyone to do things or react to things the way that I would.  I think we are all more guilty of this than we realize.  The phrase "I don't understand" goes hand in hand with this concept.

"I don't understand why she would say that."

"I don't understand why he did that?"

"I would never do that, I don't understand"

I don't have to understand, and I need to stop trying.  I need to stop worrying and caring so much about what other people think about what I do and say.  I need to stop putting so much weight on the opinions of others and focus on living to impress the only one whose opinion ultimately matters.  

Truth be told, He thinks I am a pretty perfect version of the person He created me to be.  Of course He wants me to continue to grow.  He wants me to be His hands and feet.  He wants me to leave a mark on the world that shows His legacy and love.  What He doesn't want is for me to be so focused and fixated on the opinions of the world that I lose sight of Him.

I think it is time to stop letting my childhood determine how I live the rest of my life.  I have to start believing in myself, having faith in my choices and my actions, and accepting that if I open myself up to opinions, it will mean that some will disagree, and I will not please everyone in my life.  

I always forget how much writing helps me sort out the mess of thoughts in my head, and I always feel so much better after I put pen to paper (well hypothetically, blogging involves no paper).  I need to make an effort to do it more often, and allow myself that outlet.  I started this blog because I wanted to write about my life and impress the people who read it.  I put what I like to call the "Perfection Perception" out there for the world to see and be impressed by.  It was the childhood me needing to make those close to me proud and impress everyone in my life. I continued writing because I realized that it is an outlet for me, and there are a lot of people out there who can relate.  I realized that in sharing only the part of my life that seemed good and polished, I didn't get the response I hoped.  People weren't "pleased or proud of me", they were distant and opinionated!  When my writing was raw and filled with truth & reality, people responded in a way I didn't expect.  They appreciated having someone they could relate too because so many were going through similar challenges in their own lives.  I don't do it for the validation now, I do it because I enjoy it!   Today I needed to remind myself that I am enough.  I need that reminder because I am still seeking the approval of others.  I am still trying to please everyone around me.  Hopefully this reminds others reading it that they are enough and you do not need the approval of others.  You do not have to impress those in your life, and you do not need their validation to feel like you have succeeded at anything.  

Be happy with who you are, the choices you make, and the life you choose to live.

RESET

Last week I not only celebrated the 10th birthday of my eldest child, because the 10th birthday of my eldest child is also the 10th anniversary of me becoming a mom.  I thought that certainly deserved celebrating!

I envisioned accepting an award on a big stage.  Lights and cameras on me, as I rocked the newest ball gown from Dior or Christian Siriano.  My hair would be done by Chris McMillan, whom had decided I was a more important client than one Ms Jennifer Aniston.  Make up done by my glam squad and I would be decked out in jewels on loan from Harry Winston himself, because apparently the important people don't pay for anything!

"This years Decade of Excellence Award goes to...   JESSICA FARRAR"

**Standing Ovation and Applause as I make my way to the stage.**

"I would like to thank the Academy of Parenting Standards for even considering me for the nomination.  Winning this award means so much, and I am just so honored.  I would like to first thank God, for giving me this tiny human and believing in my ability to keep her alive.  I would like to thank the fans who have stood by me and encouraged me daily, all 8 of you.  I would like to thank the many critics who thought it was a mistake to get pregnant, because you pushed me to be a better mom.  And I would especially like to thank the man who has accepted my circus as his own.  Agreeing to raise this child with me, and stand with me in the trenches.
Thank you all so much"

**Music Fades in, Screen Fades to Black**

It's amazing how we can get that sweet little image in our head and how quickly reality can slap you upside the head and remind you just how unrealistic that ridiculous little scenario of mine really was!

Allow me to explain, let's take a little trip down memory lane together.

*Feb 8 - I took a trip to a local Vineyard to celebrate a wonderful friend's birthday!  She had invited a couple of weeks prior and I was so excited to enjoy an adult afternoon celebrating with her!  While I was there, I spoke to a friend about what I wanted to do for my daughter's birthday.  "I can get her a free iPhone X right now if I add a line for her.  An iPhone 10 for a 10 year old seems like a cool idea."  She is a wise woman and I usually listen to her without hesitation, however after 3 mimosas and a bottle of wine, apparently her words were just noise that afternoon.  Her "DON'T DO IT" response fell on deaf ears.  I kept drinking and went on about life in an ignorant state of bliss.

*Feb 9 - I got to the AT&T store a few minutes before they opened.  I knew they would be busy since it was a Sunday.  I went in and established the line, picked out her phone number, a case, a screen protector, signed the contract, and activated the phone.  I was so excited to give it to her.  I stopped by the store and grabbed a gift bag and tissue paper.  I wrapped the phone and headed to the house.  I had her sit on the sofa, and I sat the bag in her lap.  As I was explaining what was going on, I called the phone.  It rang in her lap and I had that moment of joy that I had been seeking.  That moment I needed to erase the mom guilt I feel daily because I am no longer home to be a part of her life like I once was.

*Feb 10 - She came home from school, and lied about something.  Grounded... from the phone.  In face she spent almost the entire week grounded because the bad behavior never really stopped.

*Feb 14 - She wakes up 10, and after having a wonderful day, I gave her the phone back and told her she was no longer grounded.

*Feb 15 - She has a cheerleading competition, and I am her coach.  The day was busy and I was stressed.  Trying to get through the day with zero deductions and a bid to Disney... which we did!  However, her behavior got worse.  I was too tired to deal with it, and I just let it go thinking tomorrow would be better.

*Feb 16 - ONE WEEK LATER
My fiancé calls her name 5 times.  Her bedroom door is visible from the kitchen where he stood calling her name, and I knew she was being rude and ignoring him.  I opened her door and she was laying in her bed on her phone.  I said "Let me help you.  Ill take the phone so you can respond to him and stop being so rude and disrespectful.  I looked at the phone after taking it to see what had her full attention, and see a SnapChat conversation with someone I have never heard of.
Maria Perez.  Who is Maria Perez?  I look at her profile and it shows me "her" location is outside of Lithicum, Maryland.  Interesting, my daughter hasn't been to Maryland in a VERY long time.  I know she doesn't know this person.
Me - "Ummmm, who is Maria Perez?
Her - "I don't know."
Me - "You don't know?  Why would you be talking to someone you don't know?"
Her - "Well, I accidentally added her as a friend, I'm sorry."

INSERT MY FLIP OUT.

Me - "I gave you ONE major, absolutely do not break it rule.  DO NOT TALK TO STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET.  Maria Perez whom you think is also in the 4th grade could be some 45 year old man ready to snatch you up.  YOU HAVE NO IDEA who this actually is.  The phone is mine, no the phone is gone.
I glance around her room as I am speaking and find the nastiest hole in what I am sure is the entire state of North Carolina.  My rage gets worse.  
THIS PLACE IS DISGUSTING.  What is wrong with you?  Food, here?  Candy wrappers?  What is this sticky stuff?  Why are your Christmas pajamas glued into a ball?  Why have you drawn numbers up your door frame like the stripe of heights on the door of a convenient store to determine someone's height as they steal something????  NO ONE WANTS ANYTHING IN HERE, this place is disgusting.  You know what... go stand outside.  Seriously, get out of my house.  I can't look at you right now.  Take a coat it's cold outside.
OH MY GOD, I HAVE FAILED AS A MOM.
THE ACADEMY IS COMING TO TAKE MY AWARD.

I cleaned until my rage was so bad I couldn't see straight.  I made her come back inside and clean the graffiti off the door frame, and then continue cleaning her room.  While she cleaned...
I WENT TO AT&T AND I RETURNED HER PHONE.

That is right, I returned the phone.  I returned her birthday present.  MOM OF THE FRIGGIN' YEAR!  I was convinced that at this point I am a monster.  I cried in my car.  I debated how much gas it would take me to get to Mexico and start a new life.  I googled how much it would cost for me to send her to boarding school.
I WAS DONE.

And then I remembered something important.  Something that I shouldn't have ever forgotten.  Something that my mom guilt had clouded and jaded over time.  When I was at home and my family was my full time job, MY KIDS DID NOT RUN MY HOUSE.
Why are you letting them run your house now?  Why are you letting your kids play you and manipulate you?  Why are you letting them talk to you with disrespect and disobey you?  I AM NOT HERE TO BE THEIR FRIEND!  I am here to raise them to be adults, and right now... I am failing them because I am too busy trying to give them everything.

RESET

*Feb 17 - The phone is nothing more than a bad memory, and for the first time in a long time I am writing.  I am writing because it gives me peace.  It gives me comfort.  It gives me an outlet.  I am taking back my house, and I am taking back my life!

I am done letting my mom guilt control me, because I am done feeling guilty about not being at home with my kids.  I am done feeling guilty that I missed a field trip, or didn't finish the homework packet.  I am done feeling guilty that I forgot to submit the Birthday Club information to PTA or that I couldn't be at the Valentine's Party.
I am doing the best I can, and that is going to have to be good enough!
Because I am enough, even if I didn't get to wear the gown and accept an award.