32% of women that find themselves in an abusive relationship, end that relationship in less than a year. That number is sadly very low, and I now know why. Abuse is a monster that wears many costumes and shows up in people you would never expect to see it from. When it begins to happen to you and you find yourself trapped in a horrible situation, it feels impossible to get out.
Let me tell you what abuse looks like...
It is spending hours curling your hair and doing your make up, in hopes that maybe just maybe he will say something nice to you. It is getting dressed up and spending the holiday with his family. It is standing beside him in a picture and smiling, even though your eyes are black and you feel dead inside. It is craving affection and physical touch and being denied all of it from your person. It is feeling silenced and not speaking of the humiliation he constantly puts you through to others because you are embarrassed. It is seeing your children suffer due to horrible words and character assassination from the hands of another. It is believing that you can make it better and fix it. It is getting used to the pain and learning to keep your head low. It is gaining 10lbs because you are eating your feelings. It is constant headaches from stress. It is never feeling like you are enough because he ensures that you feel you aren't. It is praying that it ends without harm. It is watching it crumble. It is untangling your web that you built together. It is fearing that you will never trust another man. It is protecting your children from a child like bully who wears the face of an adult. It is feeling trapped and hopeless.
I swore it would never happen to me. I was loud and proud about never finding myself in an abusive relationship. I boasted many times about how I would walk away from anything abusive with my head held high. I wouldn't be ignorant and give someone chance after chance.
It was Tuesday. We had been in the car for 6.5hours. The road trip was long, but I was down one child. My daughter was in the car with his parents. It was just the 3 of us. My son had been incredibly well behaved being that he had no one to entertain him. He was quiet for most of the trip, and I was rewarding his good behavior with mini Oreos every hour.
We reached the exit for the hotel, and my son erupted in happiness. He was excited that we were off the interstate and was squealing with excitement. I hadn't been hugged, kissed, or even had my hand held the entire day. I could tell he was in a mood, and I was trying to give him the space he needed to prevent an argument.
Suddenly the exit ramp split and we were going the wrong direction. We went about 200 yards the wrong way before we were able to turn around. In reality this wasn't that big of a deal. I couldn't have cared less because it was such an easy fix. In his head, this was fatal. In his head, it was my son's fault. In his head, this couldn't be fixed, so he attacked. He turned to my son in the back seat and screamed at him to shut up, or he would put him in the bathroom for 20 mins when we arrived at the hotel. He was calling him names and berating him. I was shocked and stunned, and I stayed silent staring out the front window. What do I do now? I need to protect my son, but how? I am stuck in his car, with his family, in another state. It was only a few seconds before the verbal assault turned to me. I knew it was coming, but I have learned that fighting back is not the answer. When someone is attacking you and your character, defending yourself or engaging only makes it worse. My shocked stare quickly became the inability to fight tears, as he proceeded to tell me what a piece of shit I was. Screaming at me about how terrible of a mother I am because of my inability to control my son. I wasn't what he wanted. I never support him and he didn't want to be with someone who never supported him. "Oh here is the real Jessica, your true colors are showing now. You are disgusting." I am virtually not speaking, because there are no words in a moment like this. You feel like you have been punched in the gut, and you keep telling yourself that it is going to be over soon.
We are now pulling into the hotel and I can't stop the tears from falling. The horrible things he has said to me and my son and ringing in my ears. His parents are parked and walking towards our car. My daughter is excited to see me, as I haven't seen her most of the day. She is running towards the window and I need to not let any of them know what is going on. How do I cover this up? He is going to make me look crazy if I speak up. Blood is thicker than water, and they will take his side. I will be stuck in another state with my children. Suck it up and put yourself back together. He opens the car door, but before he gets out he turns to me and says "I guess you aren't going to get out and help with anything. Just sit right here and put on a fucking show for everyone. You are so selfish and I am sick of it." He gets out, slams the door, and disappears into the hotel.
There is no way in hell any of the 4 people outside of the car at this point didn't know I was crying. As much as I wanted to hide all of it, it was obvious to the world that something was wrong. He can do no wrong in the eyes of his parents, and I know that right now I look like the ass.
I get out and say nothing. He is throwing our stuff onto a cart to take to the room, and continuing to tell me what a piece of shit I am because everyone else is now in the hotel lobby. I get my purse, and my son and speak no words. I walked to the elevator, up to the room, put my stuff down, and moved my kids out of the way so that they wouldn't give him another reason to attack.
He asks me if we can speak in the hallway, and I am terrified. The door shuts behind me and he starts apologizing, but not in a way that makes it all better. "I am sorry. I was upset, and I am sorry. What do you want to do? Do you want to stay here while I go to dinner with my family?"
I told him that I needed him to tell me all of the horrible things he said to me weren't true and he didn't believe them. He said what I wanted to hear and I went into the bathroom to clean myself up. We loaded back into the car and headed to dinner. Suddenly he was holding my hand, telling me I was beautiful, and that loving me is the easiest job he has ever had to do.
I ate it up. I needed it after what I had just experienced. This back and forth and constantly making me feel less than happened for the next week, several times a day. Attacking everything about me, insulting me in horrible ways, making me feel like a horrible person and mother, and then apologizing and being very affectionate.
It took me 3 months of dealing with this before the lightbulb went off. It took 90 days of feeling like I couldn't breathe. 90 days of praying that he would sleep at home tonight. 90 days of walking on eggshells so that I wouldn't upset him.
A holiday spent smiling like everything was fine, and nothing being enough to not set him off... and I found the strength to say "I AM DONE." I realized that I was living for the happiness and euphoria that would only come after one of his explosions. That is unhealthy and twisted. This wasn't love.
I asked him to leave, and he still wanted to be in control. Making a scene in front of my children, and acting like he is the one making the call! I changed the locks after he left. I changed the alarm code. I changed the code to the garage. I packed all of his stuff in boxes and put it outside. I covered all of the open windows, and I went to bed.
For the first time in months, I slept. I actually slept, and I guess it was because the stress was gone, and the hell I had been living was over.
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People stay in abusive relationships of all types for many reasons. Let me remind you, abuse is not love. If someone loves you, they will make it their mission to keep you from hurt and suffering. They won't be the cause of unending pain. They won't make you feel less than. They will seek to make you smile.
I am thankful that this nightmare only last a few months. I am thankful that it is over. I pray that he keeps his distance, and I don't have to take drastic measures to ensure the safety of my family. Abusive people usually don't walk away. Abusive people never want to risk being seen by the world. My blog allows me a platform to speak. It gives me a place to let out what is inside, and this man knows the web address. I pray that if he reads this post, that he can find awareness and seek help.
But most of all, I pray that my children won't believe that his is what relationships are supposed to look like. I wanted a man to show them love in a way that they had never seen. I guess he did just that. Now it is my job to protect them, and educate them that this isn't healthy.
If you find yourself in a situation similar to mine, please don't think that you are trapped and alone. You are NOT. Reach out, and share what is going on with those closest to you. Allow them to support you and encourage you and help you find a solution for your exit.
I am so blessed to have so many people in my life that love me and my children. Thankfully those people rally around me when I need them, and not only provide guidance and support, but hold me accountable. They will ensure that I don't find myself manipulated back into that relationship again. I am so grateful for my tribe.
Every lesson is a blessing. Allow yourself to learn from every experience, good or bad.
