For example, I bet that if you flash back to a family dinner as a child, you can hear your parents saying you need to clean your plate. As a mom, I even sang the "Clean Plate Club" song to my kids and rewarded them with dessert when they successfully cleaned their plate. As an child, I did not understand that food is expensive, or that my parents hated throwing any of it away. As an mom, I know that my children need the nutrition, so I encourage them to eat what I make for them. As an adult, I now feel like I need to clean my plate at every meal. I didn't realize until recently that this is actually unhealthy. It is unhealthy to my body to force myself to eat everything plated, but it is also unhealthy mentally. I have felt real guilt when I ordered something in a restaurant and didn't finish it. I have eaten things I didn't like and eaten when I wasn't hungry simply because I felt very real guilt for not eating it. I have found myself apologizing over and over and explaining why I didn't finish everything on my plate. I have carried boxes of food home with no intention of eating what was inside of them to show that I have plans of eating what I didn't finish while we were dining. How is this healthy? Instead of forcing my children to clean their plates which may lead to some unhealthy eating habits as adults, perhaps I should encourage them to make their own plates. Telling them that they need to eat what they plate, and teach them to only take what they will eat.
As a child I developed an unhealthy desire to please people. I didn't realize that it was unhealthy when I was young, I just wanted someone to notice me, to be impressed by me in some way, and to make them proud. That desire back then led to me appearing to crave attention. I can remember everyone saying that "Jessica loves being the center of attention." The funny thing is I actually hated it when all eyes were on me. I made jokes when I was the center of attention, which were often about myself, just to break what I felt like was awkward tension. I was a closeted introvert. Masking myself as an extrovert to hide the fact that I feared what everyone thought about me. Trying harder and harder to please them or impress them even though I was going about it the wrong way.
As an adult I still find myself desperately seeking praise from those close to me and those I interact with in every facet of my life. This often leaves me feeling drained and inadequate. I push myself harder and harder trying to please everyone around me, and it never works. It is absolutely impossible for me to please everyone!
So, how exactly can I stop letting this desire to please others affect me in a way that controls everything I do and say? I think there are a couple of things that I can do to make this change.
1. I can stop putting so much value in the opinions of others. Why do I let the opinions of everyone else affect me so deeply? They are entitled to their opinions, as I am my own. So if their opinions on my choices or actions are different from my own, should I let it change those choices or actions? Did I not think about those choices and actions before I made them? Did I not make those choices and actions based on what was best for myself, my family, or my situation? Yes, so why do I let that need for praise dictate what I do with my life?
2. I can stop offering so much of myself to the world, for opinions to be made on. If those around me are entitled to their opinions, then I can't be mad simply because they form them. Inevitably opinions will be made about the things you put out for the world to see. Social media makes us feel like we need to share our lives. Often I feel obligated to share big news, even if I am not ready to do so. That obligation sometimes stems from the fear that someone else will share my news first. But it also stems from a childhood desire to impress those in my life. I am not a "Keep up with the Jones' " type of person, so why do I care who is impressed and who is not?
3. I have to stop expecting everyone to do things or react to things the way that I would. I think we are all more guilty of this than we realize. The phrase "I don't understand" goes hand in hand with this concept.
"I don't understand why she would say that."
"I don't understand why he did that?"
"I would never do that, I don't understand"
I don't have to understand, and I need to stop trying. I need to stop worrying and caring so much about what other people think about what I do and say. I need to stop putting so much weight on the opinions of others and focus on living to impress the only one whose opinion ultimately matters.
Truth be told, He thinks I am a pretty perfect version of the person He created me to be. Of course He wants me to continue to grow. He wants me to be His hands and feet. He wants me to leave a mark on the world that shows His legacy and love. What He doesn't want is for me to be so focused and fixated on the opinions of the world that I lose sight of Him.
I think it is time to stop letting my childhood determine how I live the rest of my life. I have to start believing in myself, having faith in my choices and my actions, and accepting that if I open myself up to opinions, it will mean that some will disagree, and I will not please everyone in my life.
I always forget how much writing helps me sort out the mess of thoughts in my head, and I always feel so much better after I put pen to paper (well hypothetically, blogging involves no paper). I need to make an effort to do it more often, and allow myself that outlet. I started this blog because I wanted to write about my life and impress the people who read it. I put what I like to call the "Perfection Perception" out there for the world to see and be impressed by. It was the childhood me needing to make those close to me proud and impress everyone in my life. I continued writing because I realized that it is an outlet for me, and there are a lot of people out there who can relate. I realized that in sharing only the part of my life that seemed good and polished, I didn't get the response I hoped. People weren't "pleased or proud of me", they were distant and opinionated! When my writing was raw and filled with truth & reality, people responded in a way I didn't expect. They appreciated having someone they could relate too because so many were going through similar challenges in their own lives. I don't do it for the validation now, I do it because I enjoy it! Today I needed to remind myself that I am enough. I need that reminder because I am still seeking the approval of others. I am still trying to please everyone around me. Hopefully this reminds others reading it that they are enough and you do not need the approval of others. You do not have to impress those in your life, and you do not need their validation to feel like you have succeeded at anything.
Be happy with who you are, the choices you make, and the life you choose to live.
