When I went public about everything, something happened that I wasn't expecting at all. I suddenly was the "mascot" for struggling marriages between my friends and family. Women were messaging and calling and finally had someone to talk to. Someone who understood what they were going through. Someone who wasn't afraid to talk about the dark and dirty details of a shattered marriage. I couldn't believe how many people that I knew were standing on the brink of divorce themselves. Perhaps it was because I am a woman and have a lot of female friends, but it almost seemed as though I was hearing the same story over and over and over again.
Boy met girl.
Girl fell for boy.
Girl married boy.
Boy cheats on girl.
Boy leaves girl.
How is it possible that so many husbands have failed their wives in the exact same way? It has been nearly 2 years since I went public, and I have heard this from at least 20 people. That is 10 marriages a year about to crumble because he cheated on her. Can this be real?
Before you find yourself in a place of "I am offended or insulted", please know that I understand this is not ALWAYS the reason for divorce. I am aware that women cheat too, and that marriages often end when no one has cheated at all.
No marriage ends without fault from both parties. When 2 people constantly put the same amount of effort into a relationship, it is still going to struggle on occasion. Nothing is perfect, but you must appreciate that the pros outweigh the cons. No one is perfect, but you have to learn to accept that also means you are not perfect either! It takes 2 people willing to keep their commitment to each other, forever. If one person decides they are done, it will end.
When you find yourself at the end of a failed marriage, you have to take some time to find yourself. You have to take some time to heal, and you have to get to a place of closure before you should start dating.
...I didn't do that. I didn't wait at all. In fact, I had been so unhappy for so long, that I saw freedom and went a little buck wild. I joined 4 different dating websites, and started "shopping". Seemed innocent enough, until I found myself settling for people that were wrong for me in every way.
Unfortunately, I allowed myself to believe something horrible. A year prior to the split, my gut told me that my ex husband was cheating on me. I just knew it and I wanted out. I called someone that I loved very dearly, and told them I wanted to leave. This person said something to me that likely wasn't meant to hurt, but it cut to the bone. "Don't do it. Who is ever going to want you with those 2 kids?" I was devastated. I stayed until he left, knowing that he was cheating because I believed no one would ever want me with so much baggage. When I began dating I was frantic and terrified. I wanted to know if this was true or not. Would anyone want me again? This fear mixed with a new freedom left for a mess that shouldn't have been dating at all. If I had let myself heal and found myself prior to dating, I likely wouldn't have allowed myself to settle like I did. I wasn't patient, and I wasn't aware of how this began affecting my faith.
Moving to another state and raising 2 children alone, along with a history of issues with sanctimonious women in churches, going to church took a backseat to... well everything. I tried a church eventually that I liked, but getting there was challenging since it was so far away. I found myself using that as the excuse week to week not to go.
As the adventure of dating continued, I continued to agree to meet people who were completely wrong for me. My fear of being alone grew deeper, and my list of deal breakers grew smaller and smaller. One thing I sacrificed was the importance of finding a man centered by God. I decided that this shouldn't be something I "held against people", I mean maybe it didn't matter that much.
In the end, all this did was allow me to drift further and further from Him, and my faith began to fade. I started to think that maybe God was punishing me for the divorce. He had forgotten me, and I found myself crying every time I prayed.
As it would happen, a year after the split, I found myself coaching my daughter's cheerleading team. I had no idea what this would mean for me, but the group of mom's I grew to know were a blessing for sure. These cheer mom's and coaches became my friends. These friends were so real that they were real with me about the people I was meeting. These friends suggested churches close by and encouraged me to go. The friends were in the same stage of life as me, and constantly encouraged me to remain faithful. They accepted me for who I am, and reminded me that I deserve something amazing. I can never thank these amazing ladies enough for bringing me back to life.
I began realizing that it was okay to end something that wasn't good for me. I stopped trying to make things work with people that I just didn't work with. I stopped "looking" and let things happen. I watched a video on Facebook by Truth Bomb Mom, and she said something that I wanted to believe so badly. (VIDEO LINK - at the bottom of this post.) She was divorced and she met a man who embraced her chaos. He loved her and both of her children. He wanted all 3 of them. She didn't settle. She found someone who truly loved her and her children. I had more hope after watching that video than I had felt in a very long time.
I realized that if I didn't stop letting my insecurities drive me and make some changes in my dating life that one day I would find myself in a 2nd marriage that was as bad as my first.
It takes closure. It takes hope. It takes faith.
That is when you can start dating, and as cliche as it may sound. Don't look for him.
You will find each other when you least expect it. God's plan doesn't always make sense, but suddenly the pieces will come together and your broken road will have led you the an incredible view. Just imagine a man so focused on God that he only looked up to see you because God said "That's her."
Have faith that it will happen and be patient. God didn't forget me like I once worried. He wasn't punishing me for divorce like I feared he may. He used my brokenness to remind me that he loves me, and he "Drew" me closer to him
Truth Bomb Mom Video Link
