Corner of Happy & Peace

The calm after the storm is often something people forget is coming.  It is something I forgot about.  Sometimes the storm is so harsh that it has the ability to change the landscape, and our only focus becomes survival.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with focusing on survival, but it can feel very overwhelming and seem endless.

What I forgot about is the calm that follows the storm.  It is peaceful.
There is clarity with peace.  There is happiness with peace.

These days I find myself hanging out on the corner of Happy & Peace.  The road here was broken, and the storm I drove through was horrible.  The good news is, when I look in the rear view mirror, the storm is already gone!  All I see is blue sky, and it is beautiful.

Life has a way of swallowing us up from time to time.  Some of us face it all head on.  Some of us drown in the stress.  No matter how you deal with challenge, from time to time you will find yourself standing in the middle of the pouring rain.  Have you ever been in the rain, and suddenly get hit with hail?!?!  It has happened to me both literally and figuratively!  Sometimes when you think it can't get any worse, it does.

I wanted to take this opportunity to remind you that no matter what you are going through, the storm will eventually pass.  There will be a day in your future where you realize that what you see in your rear view mirror is no longer dark and black.  What you will see is beautiful blue skies.  You will find yourself in a calm that is more peaceful than you dreamed it could be.

If there were never any challenges in life, you wouldn't appreciate this calm.
I have heard before that we should learn to dance in the rain.  While this thought is all good and sweet, it is hard to dance in the hail.  Sometimes the storm is so bad, that dancing is the furthest thing from your mind.  If you can't dance in the rain, watch the horizon.  The storm won't last forever, and you will find the calm soon.

Embrace It

Confession, for the last 7 years of my life, I have dreaded the holidays.

I know how terrible that sounds, but I am an open book, and I can't lie and say that I ever really looked forward to them.  When I thought about "the holiday season" all I could think of was stress.  Stress consumed me.  I am a perfectionist by birth, and everything about the season needed to be exactly what I pictured in my head.  The picture perfect Pinterest holiday is what I needed and what I expected.  

Disappointment is caused by unmet expectations.  This is legit, one of the most profound things any human has ever said to me.  Lower your expectations, and your risk of being disappointed won't be so high.  That doesn't make me a pessimist, it makes me a realist. ANYWAY...

My expectations every single year were sky high and year after year the perfectionist inside of me failed to deliver the image in my head of what the holidays were supposed to be.  

ENTER 2017

For the first time in almost a decade, I have enjoyed everything about the holidays thus far and I am looking forward to the rest of the month and beginning of the new year.  I have never felt peace like I do now.  I have never rolled with the changes like I am able to now.  I have never embraced the chaos... until now.  

Family has always been the most important thing to me.  However, when you move hours and hours away from all of your family it becomes difficult to spend time together.  I never imagined I would get the opportunity to be back in North Carolina, and back within driving distance of almost everyone that I love.  

Thanksgiving was spent surrounded by family, and just a couple of weeks later, Christmas part 1 was the same way.  I get to do it again 2 more times!  Christmas part 2 and part 3 will be fun days spent with people that I love, and that is the most perfect holiday that I can dream of.  

After what we have been through this year, and all of the changes that have happened in the last 3 months, family has never been more important than it is today.  I can't spend enough time with them.  I am so beyond grateful for every minute that I have been able to spend with those I love the most!

I am so happy to be back in North Carolina.  

This is home.  This is happy.

I hope that anyone reading this is surrounded by loved ones this holiday season.  I hope that you know how precious that time spent together is, and you embrace it.  

Merry Christmas 

Elsa Knows Best

Life is full of ups and downs.  No matter what hand you have been dealt you experience both happiness and hardships.  It is how you react to both of those things that determine your character.  Can you embrace the happiness & face the hardships?

They say what doesn't kill you makes your stronger, and I have had a few people tell me that isn't true.  Yet, I stand behind that statement fully.  I have faced a lot of uphill challenges in my 32 years, and I am still here writing about them, so none of them have killed me.  From each one, I have learned something, which means I have in fact become stronger and smarter. 

I have flaws, many in fact.  And yet, I am able to reflect on just about everything that has happened in my life and used those reflections to teach myself what to continue doing and what not to do.  

The most recent of those challenges however, is one that no matter how much reflection and time passes, I am certain that I will never understand.  As this is a fully public platform, I have chosen to remain vague in an attempt not to slander the name of someone whom my children will love forever.  However, his choices in the recent months have left me somewhat speechless.  Speechless is something that I have never actually experienced before!  I can't make sense of what happened, and that is something I have needed in the past in order to find true closure with any challenge.

Have you ever accepted an apology you never received?

I have.  By accepting an apology from someone who never actually apologized, you can move on.  You acknowledge to yourself that you have been hurt in some way.  You acknowledge to yourself that the person who did the hurting, likely didn't do it maliciously.  You acknowledge that you aren't going to continue to hold it over that person or dwell on it.  And you let it go, Elsa style.

Some things however are just impossible to forgive without an actual apology.  You know that you can't just forget it and move on, especially when it is something that changed your entire world.  Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds.  But time does make it easier to stomach what happened.

Every day things get a little less "strange" and become a little more "normal".

Every day things get a little less sad.  

Every day you get a little less angry.

Every day you get closer to Letting it Go.

Elsa really did know what she was singing about.

LET IT GO.  LET IT GO.  TURN AWAY & SLAM THE DOOR.

Breathe deep & just let it go.

I promise you will feel relief.  And you will see happiness that is waiting for you!

"Don't let a bad today, ruin an amazing tomorrow."

Some Days

Some days it feels like nothing I ever do will be enough.
Some days it seems like life will endlessly be rough.
Some days my eyes just won't stop flooding, no matter how hard I try.
Some days fighting feelings makes it impossible not to cry.
Some days I don't recognize the girl that I see in the mirror.
Some days the confusion of what happened couldn't be any clearer.
Some days loneliness creeps in and dominates my mind.
Some days I stare in disbelief at the papers that were signed.

Some days I look ahead and I'm blinded by the future.
Some days I worry that I will fall victim to the rumors.
Some days I could not care less what anybody thinks.
Some days I want to drown the past in the strongest drink of drinks.
Some days I wish you knew that I am doing great.
Some days I don't care enough about you to muster up the hate.
Some days it hurts to know that you found love elsewhere.
Some days I find it hard to pretend I even care.

Some days I find strength that I forgot I knew.
Some days I'm proud of how I managed to get through.
Some days all I can find to wear is a smile on my face.
Some days I love that you aren't here to dirty up my place.
Some days the freedom I now have feels so well deserved.
Some days it feels Ive been released from a 10 year sentence, served.
Some days I laugh because I thought I'd miss you more than this.
Some days I want to thank you for the ultimate dismiss.

Today I am moving on.
Today I am letting go.
Today I have decided that my life will be my own.
Today I am breathing deep.
Today I demo walls.
Today I have decided to not feel guilty at all.
Today I am forgiving.
Today I am closing doors.
Today I give you back the pain you caused me, it's all yours.

Sacrifice

I am many things in this life, but one of my greatest accomplishments is being a mom.  I fail often, but the love I have for my 2 children is stronger than failure.  The love I have for them is selfless, it is endless, and it has taught me about sacrifice.

I am certain that the way you actually spell PARENT is "S-A-C-R-I-F-I-C-E".  It is somewhat simple (and I use this word loosely) to become a parent.  Most adults know the process, and understand exactly how to make a baby happen.  Some adults don't seem to understand how to prevent this from happening, but that is another topic for another day!  There is a difference in becoming a parent, and being a parent.  Providing DNA does not qualify as being a parent.  In order to be a parent, you have to put your children before yourself.  I understand that you are supposed to put your oxygen mask on before assisting others, and this stands true.  However, making sacrifices is just a part of being a good parent.

The view from my computer.   There is still so much unpacking  left to do!

As I type this blog, I am sitting in my bedroom.  It has been 11 years since my computer was in my bedroom.  I can see into my living room, my daughter's room, and the dining room all from the seat I am sitting in.  Unless you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you may not know that myself and my kids have relocated to North Carolina.  We found a cozy 3 bedroom townhome in High Point, and are grateful to no longer have stairs that Brady has to navigate.  This relocation happened because I found myself wearing the shoes of a single mom overnight.  This was never my plan.  I don't think anyone gets married thinking that it will result in divorce, but as a product of a broken home myself... I promised myself that this would never happen.  Yet, here I sit.

I sit in this house right now because of sacrifices that my parents made for me.  One thing my parents taught me well, was how to be a parent.  They set a lot of good examples, and a few to avoid (hehe love you guys) and I turn to them often for advice.  I respect them as parents, because I can see all of the sacrifices they made for me when I look back.  How do you not respect someone who sacrificed so much for you?

I used to wake up at 7am and I would peel myself out of bed at 7:30, after spending 30 mins checking Facebook, Instagram, the weather, my TimeHop, & Snapchat.  I would spend 30 mins getting myself ready for the day, and the getting the kids dressed.  We were downstairs by 8am.  Breakfast was leisurely, because Abbie headed to the bus stop at 8:45am!!!  Brady got on the bus at 9am, and then I didn't have any kids at home until 4:30 in the afternoon.

My alarm now goes off at 5:30am.  I tried hard to avoid this waking up when it is still dark outside thing, and it just has to happen.  Sacrifice.

I get up, and have 15 mins tops to get myself ready.  Today that meant brushing my teeth and pulling my hair into a sad excuse for a messy bun!  Sacrifice.

I started breakfast, and pulled out medicine.  I woke up Brady at 5:55am.  I had laid out outfits the night before to try and make this morning run a little smoother.  I woke up Abbie at 6am.  I got Brady up and dressed and Abbie met us in the kitchen.  While the kids ate their breakfast, I finished lunch boxes and loaded back packs.  I also chugged a cup of coffee.  Sacrifice.

Medicine, teeth brushed, hair brushed, ears on, socks & shoes, kisses on foreheads... and out the door at 6:30am.  Neither child could believe that it is still dark outside!  We waited for Brady's bus.  It arrived at 6:42am.  After Brady was loaded, it was back to the house for 15mins so that Abbie could finish eating, and grab her back pack.  7:04am, back out the door.  Abbie's bus arrived at 7:19am.
Back to the house where I finally had a moment to catch my breath.  The moment is short lived.  There is only one of me now... so it is time to do laundry, vacuum, unpack more boxes, make beds, clean the kitchen from breakfast, and finish whatever else needs to be done.  Sacrifice.
Soon, I will have to go to work after putting Abbie on the bus, and all of this will have to be done in the evenings, along with homework, reading, fixing and eating supper, baths, and spending some quality time with my kids.  Sacrifice.

One day they will be grown and I can't get this time back.  I can't imagine not doing all of this for them every day.  I can't imagine not seeing their sweet smiles every day.  I can't imagine not kissing boo boos every day.  I can't imagine not saying prayers at bedtime every day.  I can't imagine life being different than it is right now.

So I will continue to make sacrifices for them, because I love them.
I would burn the world to the ground for either one of them.
That is being a parent.
That is sacrifice.

You Deserve Better

I am in my 5th season as a special needs mom.  We were inducted into the club of Special Needs Families Club almost 5 years ago to the date.  5 years ago, we were home and resting from a sedated MRI earlier that day.  Until October 19, 2012, I was a fairly optimistic person when it came to anything medical.  I miss the ignorance and unawareness that I had 5 years ago, today.  

I thought the MRI and the sedation was the hard part!  

I thought we would be cleared the following day.

I thought our lives would still be "normal".

October 19, 2012, started off like any other day.  We woke up, we got ready, and we went to the hospital to see a doctor for a review of the scan.  While going to the hospital wasn't "normal" for us, it became pretty normal fairly quick.  I remember pushing the stroller.  I remember my sweet big chubby boy, who still couldn't sit up on his own yet at 9 months old, snuggling in my lap.  I remember walking into the exam room, and sitting in the uncomfortable chairs that must have been in that exact same spot for the last 25 years.  I remember the red and blue bowtie that Dr. Taylor was wearing that day.  I even remember the oblivious smile I was wearing up until his words became reality.

The diagnosis was complicated.  There was multiple parts, medical explanations, and a prognosis that labeled my sweet son with "a forever child".  A part of me died that die.  The ride home from the hospital was a blur.  I spoke to countless people on the phone after getting home, and I honestly couldn't tell you who a single one of them were.  

I remember sitting on the front porch of our house in Richmond, VA.  It was a breezy fall day, and I didn't enjoy a single second of that beautiful day.  

I was a statue.  I was destroyed.  I was helpless.  

Until that day, I hadn't truly felt like a failure as a mother.  His condition stemmed from my pregnancy.  It happened because of a virus I caught BETWEEN my pregnancies.  This was my fault.  How could I let this happen to my child.  It was my job to protect him.  I was angry and disappointed at myself, and mourning the loss of the child I had imagined growing up, being a basketball sideline mom for, watching him get married, and have children of his own one day.  That was gone.  

Therapies, wheelchairs, special classrooms, doctors, surgeries... my mind was running in circles that day.  It took a few weeks to snap out of the depression of that loss, and become the mom that my son NEEDED.  The mom he deserved.  

I contacted the Infant & Toddler Early Childhood Department in Richmond, and he was evaluated just a couple of weeks later.  Therapy began immediately and life as we knew it completely changed!

If you met my son today, it wouldn't take you long to realize he is special needs.  However, those who have watched him grow over the years know the hard work and the amazing journey he has taken to get where he is today.  The challenges that child faces daily would exhaust a lot of people and he tackles them all with a smile on his face... most of the time!  He has blown the original prognosis out of the water and is smarter than any doctor ever predicted.  He constantly makes this momma proud!

This brings me to why I wanted to write today.  While tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of D Day, that was not the point of this post.  Last night I was scrolling Facebook, when I came to a video that made me physically ill.  I thought I was actually going to throw up, and I couldn't hold the flood of tears back that poured from my eyes.  A special needs student.  A 3rd Grade.  A child who was 8 or 9 years old.  Handcuffed because of his "behavior".  Behavior that is directly due to the special needs condition that this child has.  

I wanted to take a second and speak to those who are reading that that know nothing about the life of a special needs child.  YOU THINK YOU KNOW, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

A lot of people have had some form of interaction with special needs adults and/or children, even if it isn't a part of life within their immediate or extended family.  People who have spent time with people who have special needs generally have an empathy for all people that is enviable.  The understand that sometimes you have to give someone the benefit of the doubt, that people need help, and they don't make assumptions.  It takes time for this to happen and build.  It is the reason that having special needs children, like my son, in a general education classroom is beneficial to every child in the room.  It is absolutely the least restrictive environment for him, but it also teaches the children in the class how to interact with him and others with special conditions and challenges.  These children are raised with an empathy to others.  They do not turn their nose up and they ask questions that allow education to take place.  

I understand that this day in age is very different from the 80s, the 90's, and the early 2000's.  I understand that many adults this day in age weren't exposed to special needs children and simply no nothing about how to interact with them.  BUT... there is absolutely nothing acceptable about what happened in the elementary school in Kentucky.  I am going to make it very clear that if the child in handcuffs had been my own, I would own the state of Kentucky at this point.  

This adult was clueless of how to interact, acknowledge, or handle the behaviors of this child.  The other adults in the room not only didn't stand up for the child, but one videoed the entire thing instead of taking action.  

A special needs child is in fact A CHILD.  A child that needs to be treated fairly and with respect and kindness.  The scars left from the handcuffs (which were not only placed on a child, but placed above his elbows, locking his shoulders back) will heal, but the emotional damage that this child will deal may never go away.  These special needs children trust adults because they have too.  They rely on adults, and they aren't fully independent.  They need us to protect them and care for them.  They don't need stares.  They don't need pity.  They don't need abuse.

I encourage you, the next time you come across a special needs child to treat them as you would any other child.  If you were in line at Chick Fil A and a little girl was waving at you 2 people up, would you wave back?  Would you say hi, and tell her that she is sweet?  Would you say something to make her smile?  Maybe tell her how pretty her sparkly shoes are.  If you would, do the same thing for a child with special needs.  Don't ignore them like they aren't there.  I know you were taught not to stare, and you shouldn't stare!  But they are people, so look them in the eye.  Wave to them, and tell them that you like their shoes!  You have no idea what a compliment and attention does for these children.  If you see something horrible like this handcuff horror happening, STAND UP for the child involved.  It is okay to be the person who puts the camera down and says "this is BULLS#!+ and I can't allow you to do this to this child."  

I pray that my son will never have an experience like this one, and that he will never have to lose trust in the adults who are a part of his life.  I say that same prayer for all of the special needs children  (& adults) out there.  You deserve better.  You deserve the best life possible, and I pray that you know love in big ways.

That's The Deal

I was born in 1985.  This means technically I am a (GASP) Millennial.  I am a part of the Generation X group of Millennials, which I barely made the cut on!  The term Millennial has picked up a lot of horrible stereotypes in the recent years, and thankfully... most of those ideals are applied to Generation Y, which came after me.

The Millennial stereotypes are not ones that I want people to apply to me.  Most of the characteristics I am referring too are due to intense helicopter parents that didn't want any harm to come to their babies.  It left a generation of kids that should be adults right about now, still struggling at basic life skills.  They are uncoachable, unteachable, unmanageable, and unequipped to deal with the daily challenges of the adult real world.  I lovingly call this pack of people "The Participation Trophy Crew".

I became a mom in 2010, and bumped up a rank with baby #2 in 2012.  I had no idea what being a mom would be like, and I wasn't fully prepared for it!  I had spent a lot of time around babies as a kid.  I babysat, I taught daycare & preschool classes, I was a nanny... but having your own is JUST NOT THE SAME!

One of the first things I decided was I would be a parent who establishes a home with rules.  Spending time around an adult, whose child runs the house is not something I enjoy doing.  It is hard, and uncomfortable, and my ADD leaves me only able to focus on the challenge at hand.  I feel like I am stuck in an episode of Nanny 911!  Rules change constantly, some are added, some are done away with.  They can be bent on occasion, and updated as we go.  However there are just some things that cannot be ignored in our home.

I grew up in the south, and I am very familiar with a belt, a wooden spoon, and on occasion... a hairbrush!  I got spanked, and you know what, I don't ever remember getting spanked for the same thing twice!  You learn your lesson when you get belted over something.  I'm not resentful towards my parents for spanking me.  In fact, I actually grew up to respect them.  At 32, I still hate it to the core when I disappoint them.

Now, I do not belt or wooden spoon spank my children.  However, I do have a "Spanking Spoon".  This spoon is actually a spatula.  I do not have to use it often.  In fact, I use it so little that we all forget it exists from time to time.  In my home discipline comes in many forms.  Let me just say this though, the sheer sight of that spoon is enough to command respect, hear an apology, and end any bad behavior.

My goal in my home is not for my children to fear me, or any adult.  My goal is to teach them how to respect adults, so that they can become respectable adults themselves.  That's the deal!  They have to grow up respecting the rules and everyone around them in order for that to happen.  So discipline will continue.

My daughter is in 2nd grade currently, and I cannot say enough amazing things about her school.  One of the really cool things about her school is the "House Program" they use.  When a student enters the school, they are assigned a "House" just like in Harry Potter.  You remain in that house until you graduate or leave the school.  It allows you to grow relationships and get to know students in every grade, and truly builds a team unit mentality.  You can earn points for your house in many ways.  Going to Book Club, turning in Box Tops, earning Star Rewards for good behavior, so on and so forth.  On the same note, you can LOSE points for your house when you exhibit behavior that is not up to the standards expected by the staff.  You receive several verbal warnings, before a written warning.  The written warning, causes points to be lost for your respective house.  There are many further actions that follow the written warning as well.  If you go all month without a warning, you get to attend the "Hall of Fame" for the month, which earns you the time for a special activity.

On Friday, my daughter arrived home in good spirits.  Everything was great, until the written warning was discovered in her notebook.  After the "Momvestigation" that I ran, it was determined that she in fact was very guilty.  She not only deserved the written warning, but I am somewhat surprised that she didn't receive a BRR instead.  A BRR is the step after the warning of course and goes on file.  Another student called her "Small", so she kicked the junk out of him, repeatedly.
Now... let me just state, I am all for standing up for yourself, however there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to physically hurt another child.  The only time I might look past this, is if a child was kicking my daughter, and she returned the blows in defense.  That is simply not the case here.

In a moment like this, I take a few minutes to evaluate what the best method of punishment would be.  I personally like to give her 2 options, and let her choose the punishment.  Then I usually dole out the punishment she didn't ask for because it obviously is the more upsetting and effective of the 2.  One of her best friends had gotten off the bus with her on Friday, and was going to have a play date until about 7pm that night.  They were both very excited about it.  While I can't stand the fact, that the punishment affected the other child, the only logical option was to send this child home and cancel the play date.  My daughter was distraught that her actions had caused the loss of time with her friend, and I think it will effectively encourage better behavior at school.  No spanking spoon needed!!!

My point in this post, is this... it is my responsibility as a parent to teach my children what is right and wrong.  I am not her friend, although I hope she feels she can come to me about anything.  I am her parent, and I have to ensure that she can grow to be responsible, independent, and respectful of others.  That means discipline.  That means rules.  That means letting her fail and learn from her mistakes.  Being a parent is tough, and sometimes it isn't very fun!!  But, my job remains the same.  I am not raising someone who will fall into that "Millennial Stereotype".  I am raising someone who will be the boss lady one day!  I am raising someone who will achieve her dreams one day!  I am raising someone who will be an amazing mom, and hopefully pass on those ideals to her children.

I am a mom.  A mom with rules, and a mom is runs this household!
That's the Deal!

It's My Story

My story started 32 and a half years ago.  It started in North Carolina, and at some point in the 90's, I picked up a pencil, and started writing my book.  In my 32 years, I have had to make a lot of choices. Some of the choices I made were good, some were amazing, and some where terrible.  Along the path of life, I was writing my story.  A twisted hot mess version of life!  Learning lessons along the way, and sometimes wishing I could erase the last chapter, I kept writing.

In 2007, I changed my last name.  The story kept going, but now the author's name was different.  My idea of what that name change meant, at the time, is one that most would see as antiquated this day in age.  While the word submit is not something I believe should apply to any relationship, I fully dedicated myself to my growing family.

3 years after my name change, our family grew by 1.  I officially became a mom, and I learned what the deepest form of love felt like.  I never wanted to be a stay at home mom, but one look at that sweet baby girl, and I was officially retired!  In 2010, Pinterest was new to the world, and mom life was still a LOT of guess and check!  I had a flip phone with a terrible camera, so I wasn't always sharing pictures of our day.  I wasn't constantly getting feedback, and I didn't feel judged.

We relocated a year later to Richmond, VA, and I had to start a new life, from what felt like scratch!  I had a 15 month old child, and learned our family was going to grow by 1 more the month of the move.  It took time to land on my feet and feel like Virginia was home, but eventually I had built a life there.  Friends became family, and I learned to love this new state and home.  I also became the proud owner of an iPhone that year, and in 2012 I created an Instagram account.

I started sharing sweet pictures of my babies online, and the world was able to see my happy little family.  What they didn't see, was the struggle that began that year.  The struggle that lasted for the next 5 years of my life.

Trust is everything in a relationship, and when it is shattered, the foundation crumbles.  It is hard to regain, to rebuild, and cracks become giant sink holes if you aren't careful.  Ignoring the problem only creates more, but I did just that.  I smiled, and I kept smiling.  Posting pictures, I continued writing a story for the world to see.  This isn't who I am.  I am not fake.  I am honest, and transparent, and I didn't even realize what a hypocrite I had become.

Last year, another relocation made northern Maryland home, and once again... I found myself starting over.  I lost all of the help I had in Virginia, I was without those friends who had become family, and I was alone.  I started building a life and without realizing it, I let go of the ownership rights to my story.  I handed the pen to someone else, and they started writing my story for me.  I had a ghost writer, that I never hired.  I continued to post pictures and the world assumed everything was beautiful.  I focused on things like a new small business, or redecorating my home, to avoid the hole that my relationship had eaten in my life.

Last month, my world shattered.  The person I had built my life around, walked away.
For days I was in complete shock.  How could this happen?  What is going on?  Why?  I needed answers.  After a week or 2, I realized that the shock wasn't because the end had arrived.  That happened a long time ago.  I had stopped writing my story.  I couldn't even find the pencil.  I had to go to the store, buy a new one, and sharpen it!!!  This wasn't me.  I am not this person.
I am blunt.  I am honest.  I am transparent.  Yet, the number of people who knew what was going on was very short.  Social media had created a monster!  A monster that I can't stand.

For decades, no one talked about miscarriage.  It wasn't to be discussed.  So when I had a miscarriage in 2009, I was FLOORED, to learn how many people have experienced the same crushing pain.
Relationship problems seem to be the same.  No one talks about them, because they are embarrassed that life isn't perfect.  Truth is, no relationship is perfect... NONE.  If someone says their relationship is ending, there shouldn't be shock from family and friends.  There should be questions, there should be support, there should be encouragement.  I was BLOWN away by how much of this I have received in the last few weeks.
Questions... "Are you okay?"  "What can I do to help?"  "How can I pray?"
Support... "I love you."  "Let me watch the kids."  "I am taking you to lunch."
Encouragement... "You are an amazing mom."  "You are doing great."  "Keep it up Jess."

And through the last 5 weeks, I have started writing again.  It is because of the constant support and encouragement that I have found the will to write.  I am blessed beyond all definitions of the word.  2 incredible kids that I get the gift of raising, friends and Family who love me unconditionally, and a God that loves me without failing.  And I am excited to return to North Carolina where my story began to continue writing my future.

I am going to be okay, in fact... I am going to be more than okay!  I am going to be great!  I am the author again, because this story belongs to me!

Farmhouse Face Lift

Everyone has fallen in love with the Farmhouse Decor theme thanks to Chip & JoAnna!  It is simple, but it is beautiful, and I am one that has fallen in love with it.

Changing your entire home to a new decor style can be expensive, and isn't always realistic.  So, I decided that I would work on one room at a time.  I started with the half bath in my main living space.  My house is 3 stories, and the main living space is actually on the 2nd floor.  The half bath was kind of dull and blank, which made it a perfect place to begin.

I still love teal and blue, but this rug, towel, and art made it's way down to the basement bathroom, to make way for a more sophisticated and mature bathroom on the floor we spend most of our time.

I made a few more changes after taking this picture, but the "industrial" shelves really made all of the difference!  They match the floors really well, and it just looks so much better.

I painted the "Flush" sign myself and updated the shelves one more time!

We have a potty training child so the supplies have to remain accessible, but adding a touch of farmhouse to this tower, makes me hate the clutter a little less.

Next, I moved to the Dining & Living Room.  The space is a large open area with a 3 sided fireplace in the center.  So it all had to be cohesive.  

This oversized Skeleton Key makes me very happy!

I love this 3 sided fireplace that splits the main floor living spaces!

Here is the after :).  I absolutely love it.  It makes me happy.

 The dining room table was turned the other way, and it made the space feel smaller.  Turning it this direction, allowed the table to sit back into the bay window more, and I have curtains that I am planning to hang to finish it all off.

The living room space is a bright and happy place for us to spend time.  

I JUST hung curtains in the bay window a few days ago! 

The metal casing around the window and on the corner of the wall where it bends for the bay window made curtains something that I avoided for MONTHS.  I didn't know how I was going to do it... ENTER COMMAND STRIPS!!!  

I used a Large on the bottom, and a small on the top upside down.  That allows for 6lbs of weight per bracket & 12lbs total on the set.  It worked PERFECTLY!

 I think they look great in the window, and tie the whole room together!

I have more ideas and plans for the house to get it where I really like the full design, but this was a great start and I enjoy being in my home!

She Was Sent To Me

4 miles, it is only 4 miles away.

Anyone can make it in a car 4 miles.  It won't take long at all.  

I kept thinking these words of confidence and affirmation to myself, and I swear the destination stood up and walked further and further away.  

How could 4 miles take 20 minutes?  

Why aren't we there yet?  

And then I saw it... the Golden Arches finally came into view.  Those glorious beautiful Golden Arches.  Until a few months ago, I hate this place.  I hated the thought of ingesting anything made inside that building, but it has now become a beacon of hope.  A landmark, announced by the tiny male in the backseat, every single time he sees it.  

That tiny male used to be such a happy little guy.  He was always smiling and always laughing.  Just being in the same room with him, would make you smile and laugh too.  Now this little guy seems to be upset more often than not.  He has become the tiny little dictator, that our days and our schedules are determined by.  

At this moment, he is hungry.  That word may sound normal to you, the idea of hunger is likely casual in your world.  When you are hungry, you eat.  The concept isn't difficult, unless you are this tiny little dictator.  The list of daily challenges seems to grow every week for our family.  While I try to roll with it, and just deal with each and every meltdown, there comes a point where the meltdown makes you want to jump off of a cliff.  This little guy has a very long list of disabilities and challenges, but the issue at the moment stems from his Sensory Processing Disorder.  He is battling a challenge called "Interoceptive Under-Responsiveness".  Did you have to read that 2 or 3 times to get it out, and still have no idea what it means??  You are not alone. Let me explain it to you...

"Interception is a relatively unheard of sensory system.  It is the sense responsible for detecting internal regulation responses, such as respiration, hunger, heart rate, and the need for digestive elimination.  It is detected though nerve endings lining the respiratory and digestive mucous membranes...

If a person is under responsive to interception, they man not feel or respond to these sensations appropriately, quickly enough, or at all.  They may rarely feel themselves breathing or their hearts beating.  They may not feel hungry or thirsty often, so they may nor eat or drink as often as others because they do not sense the need to.  They will often be slow potty trainers and may end up developing enuresis because they do not feel the need to eliminate bowel waste or urine before the body begins to perform this task anyway."

 - Full Article can be found HERE

So to sum it up, he is HANGRY.  Now, imagine the most hungry you have ever been, and imagine how irritable and mad it made you.  This tiny little dictator didn't feel the need to eat until it was too late.  We are now facing a full force Hanger Meltdown.  

We pull into the parking lot, and follow the white lines straight into the drive thru.  Fortunately it is now 12:50pm, so the lunch rush is over.  It has been about 20 hours since he has eaten anything.  This isn't because we didn't offer food... we did, but he doesn't feel the need to eat.  

I wasn't prepared for this meltdown and I am devoid of any and all snacks.  

I thought we could make it home, and I could get lunch together.  That isn't happening

I roll the window down, to place an order.  I can barely get my thoughts together over the screaming, but the sound of the lady's voice in the speaker is like music at this point.  

"Welcome to McDonalds, May I take your order?"  

YES... FOOD, give me FOOD, I think to myself.  "I need a 6 piece Happy Meal with Chocolate Milk, and extra fries."

"What sauces would you like with this today?"

ARE YOU F&$#ING KIDDING ME?  I DONT CARE ABOUT SAUCE, GIVE ME CHICKEN.

"No Sauce today", I reply.

I franticly finish the order, pull up to the window, damn near throw my CC at the women waiting for payment.  

Have you ever dipped your toe into a pool, to see what the water temperature is?  Imagine standing on a cliff over a river of lava, and I am dipping my toes in the water.  I am ready to jump... GIVE ME THE CHICKEN.

Finally, I have boxes in hand, and I pull into a parking place.  The box of nuggets is so hot I can barely touch it, but he is losing it, so I wrap it in a napkin.  I turn on the AC full blast, and tell him to hold the nuggets up to the vent.  He takes hold of a nugget, briefly lets the cool air blast it, and puts the entire nugget into his mouth.  

It took 6 nuggets and a Small Fry fully chewed and swallowed before the crying stopped.  It is by far the worst this has ever gotten.  I am finally able to breathe, and Panic Mode has long passed...

That is when I realize, SHE IS BACK THERE TOO.

My oldest is 7, and she is used to the meltdowns.  She is the only person alive that can understand the tiny dictator when his words are inaudible.  She has been there and witnessed every single challenge. She has encouraged him.  She has found patience when there was no way I could.  She is kind.  She is observant, and she is ALWAYS trying to help. 

This is when it fully hit me... I understand why she came before him!  She was sent to me.  God sent this little girl to me to be the support, the encouragement, and the help that I need.  She is the most amazing sister, and she has a deep understanding and empathy for everything we face due to the Tiny Dictator's Challenge List.  

She often gets overlooked, because he require so much.  She often has to take care and entertain herself because of everything going on with him.  And through all of it she is calm.  She is quiet.  She is there, taking it all in and trying to find a way to help.  Sure she has her moments, she is 7.  She is a kid, and she will act like one from time to time!  But, she is amazing and truly a gift.

SHE WAS SENT TO ME.  

The Journey Ahead

It has been a long time since I have blogged, too long.
There is peace in blogging, in writing, and I need more peace in my life.  I think it is time for me to return to blogging and find that needed peace in my life.  I have suffered from depression most of my life, and have been able to cope with it thanks to medicine, therapy, and essential oils.
However, the depression has spiraled out of control since we relocated to Maryland, and I find myself at 32 years old trying to gain control of my life again.
Have you ever experienced depression?  True Depression?  Severe Depression?  It is completely debilitating.  It controls everything about you, no matter what you want, you can't take it back.  The hole becomes deeper and darker, and you have to seek out an escape route. It won't be easy to find that escape route.  Sometimes it feels like searching through the dark ocean with only a match to provide search light.
One of the most important things to do is to find a voice, and TALK about it.  Depression creates a loneliness that is inexplicable to those who have never felt it.  That loneliness can lead to hopelessness and the ultimate decision to end it all.  If you are battling depression, talk about it with those who you consider closest to you.

I am going to blog about my journey OUT of the depression abyss.

Day 1
I called the doctor this morning to schedule and appointment to discuss a change in medication.  I am proud of myself for reaching out and seeking help.  It is the hardest step in depression recovery.
I have a friend coming over and we are going to the pool for a while.  Vitamin D... also very helpful with depression coping!  Spending time with people I love, also helpful.

Goal 1, NO NAPS today or the rest of the week.  I am going to try and regulate my sleep cycle and napping is only making that more difficult!

Find something to smile about today.
Your smile is beautiful.