Fear

I often say that I write what I know.  My voice in my blog is always spilling out from my current world and life journey.  What I am going through on the daily, and how I can turn that chaos into a story with words.  Today... what I know is fear.

I have been told many times that fear is weakness, and I tend to reassure others battling fear that they can't let it destroy them.  "Don't let a bad today, destroy a beautiful tomorrow."  This is something I have said to many people and I stand by that statement fully.
However, I tend to bottle my emotions, as I am learning that most Pisces do.  No, I do not believe in horoscopes, but I do believe that astrological signs can tell us a lot about our personalities. If you research Pisces you will find that 80% of what is out there about them, applies to me.  One of those things is bottling emotions and feelings until I blow at something random.

Did you ever see the movie Erin Brockovich?  If you didn't, I would highly recommend a movie night!  This is one of my favorite Julia Roberts movies of all times.  The irony of me loving this movie and now being a single mom struggling to find a job is not lost on me.  There are days when I can paint on my bravest smile, and shine like the brightest star in the sky, and then there are days like today.

Days when the fear wins. Days when I wonder how on earth I am going to provide for my kids for the rest of my life.  Days where I can't simply look at the now, and drown in the big picture.  Unfortunately fear is part of life, and it is this same fear that often pushes us out of our comfort zones and into something new.  Being brave is not easy, and when we accept reality and face it head on we are embodying the concept of bravery.

I am told often that I am brave.  Every time this is said to me, I say thank you.  It is a huge compliment, and I am grateful that I appear brave to the world.  But the truth is, I laugh a little inside when I hear this.  I drown in fear often, and I am a lot less brave than the world likes to think I am.  I am terrified of going back to work, and my kids having to go to after school care.  I am terrified of not having health insurance after my divorce is final.  I am terrified of not being able to save for retirement one day.  FEAR.  The fear is there, and it is a healthy sign of being responsible.  That fear is going to push me to find a job, one that I had to work for and work at to be good at.

Fear can destroy you, or it can build your strength.  Fear can control you, or you can take control back and run from the fear while you make yourself a better a stronger person.

I can pep talk all day long, but if I am honest, the fear won over here today.  The fear took over and I was drowning in the big picture.  After I came unglued, I decided to look at the smaller pieces of the puzzle and work on putting them together one at a time.  There is no shame in fear.  It is human, and I am human.  I will continue to succumb to fear now and then.  I will also continue to push past it.  Mainly because I do not have a choice!  But also because I refuse to let the fear I face now & then define me or ruin any chance I may have at creating a beautiful future for myself and my children.

I am Erin Brockovich.  She was a badass, and I respect what she did for her family.
I am not afraid.

In My Opinion

In my 32 years, I have been offered opinions on everything I have ever done.  An opinion is something you are given, even though 9 times out of 10 you didn't ask for it!  Experience in life leads us to believe that we have an innate responsibility to offer advice! Believe me, I am guilty of doing this too.

But, when is it really appropriate to offer an opinion?  When is it the right time to interject your feelings on something that has nothing to do with you?

There are times in my life that I wish I had listened to the advice given.  Advice given, that at the time seemed rude.  It seemed hurtful.  It seemed useless and inappropriate.  Now in hindsight I wish I had listened to it.

However this isn't always the way things work.  Sometimes giving advice on something too quickly can actually push the person you give it too away from you.  Offering advice is somewhat of an art.  It takes practice, patience, and KINDNESS.  The kindness part is pivotal!  Everyone has feelings, and everyone is entitled to live their life the way they see fit.  You do NOT, and I repeat... YOU DO NOT have to agree with the choices they make!  You shouldn't enable someone who is making poor choices.  But, offering advice on anything needs to be done carefully.

I am officially dating someone.  It happened out of nowhere, and caught me off guard.  I didn't know what I wanted when it came to a relationship.  All I knew if that I refused to be with anyone that didn't make me happy.  After being unhappy for so long, the only 2 requirements in my mind when it came to being with someone...
1)  YOU MUST ACCEPT MY CHILDREN
2)  You have to make me happy.

The man that I am dating has yet to meet my children, but takes interest in them already.  He doesn't want to meet them without knowing that he and I will work, which is exactly how I feel.  He respects them and me.  And most importantly, he makes me happy!  We laugh, we have fun, we get each other.  Of course we have a lot to learn about each other, and that is what dating is for!

I posted very vaguely about seeing someone on Facebook and I was stunned by the response!  I had kept it secret to avoid that influx of opinions on everything about him, myself, and us.  What I was shocked by is the overwhelming support that I received.  Friends and family both excited that I am happy.  Not many opinions offered.  Not many people against this new phase of my life.  It was refreshing and made me step back to rethink my opinion on opinions!

I have spent my life defending myself and my choices anytime someone offered an opinion.  Fighting back, full of explanations for why I am choosing this or that.  It is exhausting, and would wear on anyone.  Perhaps the issue isn't that people offer advice even when it is unwarranted.  Perhaps the problem is our defense that we raise to it.

An opinion is no different than someone's status update on Facebook.  We don't always comment on those.  We don't always like them.  But, after going to war with a few people over something they post online... you learn to SCROLL ON!  When someone offers their opinion, it is okay to smile, say thank you for caring, and scroll on!  We don't have to take their advice, but we can appreciate that they care enough to offer it.

When the opinions and advice stop coming in, find concern that no one cares to offer it.
In the mean time, find peace in accepting that it is your life to live!  You only get one, so damn it... live it up!  Don't waste a single day of it being unhappy.
I guarantee you, I won't!