I envisioned accepting an award on a big stage. Lights and cameras on me, as I rocked the newest ball gown from Dior or Christian Siriano. My hair would be done by Chris McMillan, whom had decided I was a more important client than one Ms Jennifer Aniston. Make up done by my glam squad and I would be decked out in jewels on loan from Harry Winston himself, because apparently the important people don't pay for anything!
"This years Decade of Excellence Award goes to... JESSICA FARRAR"
**Standing Ovation and Applause as I make my way to the stage.**
"I would like to thank the Academy of Parenting Standards for even considering me for the nomination. Winning this award means so much, and I am just so honored. I would like to first thank God, for giving me this tiny human and believing in my ability to keep her alive. I would like to thank the fans who have stood by me and encouraged me daily, all 8 of you. I would like to thank the many critics who thought it was a mistake to get pregnant, because you pushed me to be a better mom. And I would especially like to thank the man who has accepted my circus as his own. Agreeing to raise this child with me, and stand with me in the trenches.
Thank you all so much"
**Music Fades in, Screen Fades to Black**
It's amazing how we can get that sweet little image in our head and how quickly reality can slap you upside the head and remind you just how unrealistic that ridiculous little scenario of mine really was!
Allow me to explain, let's take a little trip down memory lane together.
*Feb 8 - I took a trip to a local Vineyard to celebrate a wonderful friend's birthday! She had invited a couple of weeks prior and I was so excited to enjoy an adult afternoon celebrating with her! While I was there, I spoke to a friend about what I wanted to do for my daughter's birthday. "I can get her a free iPhone X right now if I add a line for her. An iPhone 10 for a 10 year old seems like a cool idea." She is a wise woman and I usually listen to her without hesitation, however after 3 mimosas and a bottle of wine, apparently her words were just noise that afternoon. Her "DON'T DO IT" response fell on deaf ears. I kept drinking and went on about life in an ignorant state of bliss.
*Feb 9 - I got to the AT&T store a few minutes before they opened. I knew they would be busy since it was a Sunday. I went in and established the line, picked out her phone number, a case, a screen protector, signed the contract, and activated the phone. I was so excited to give it to her. I stopped by the store and grabbed a gift bag and tissue paper. I wrapped the phone and headed to the house. I had her sit on the sofa, and I sat the bag in her lap. As I was explaining what was going on, I called the phone. It rang in her lap and I had that moment of joy that I had been seeking. That moment I needed to erase the mom guilt I feel daily because I am no longer home to be a part of her life like I once was.
*Feb 10 - She came home from school, and lied about something. Grounded... from the phone. In face she spent almost the entire week grounded because the bad behavior never really stopped.
*Feb 14 - She wakes up 10, and after having a wonderful day, I gave her the phone back and told her she was no longer grounded.
*Feb 15 - She has a cheerleading competition, and I am her coach. The day was busy and I was stressed. Trying to get through the day with zero deductions and a bid to Disney... which we did! However, her behavior got worse. I was too tired to deal with it, and I just let it go thinking tomorrow would be better.
*Feb 16 - ONE WEEK LATER
My fiancé calls her name 5 times. Her bedroom door is visible from the kitchen where he stood calling her name, and I knew she was being rude and ignoring him. I opened her door and she was laying in her bed on her phone. I said "Let me help you. Ill take the phone so you can respond to him and stop being so rude and disrespectful. I looked at the phone after taking it to see what had her full attention, and see a SnapChat conversation with someone I have never heard of.
Maria Perez. Who is Maria Perez? I look at her profile and it shows me "her" location is outside of Lithicum, Maryland. Interesting, my daughter hasn't been to Maryland in a VERY long time. I know she doesn't know this person.
Me - "Ummmm, who is Maria Perez?
Her - "I don't know."
Me - "You don't know? Why would you be talking to someone you don't know?"
Her - "Well, I accidentally added her as a friend, I'm sorry."
INSERT MY FLIP OUT.
Me - "I gave you ONE major, absolutely do not break it rule. DO NOT TALK TO STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET. Maria Perez whom you think is also in the 4th grade could be some 45 year old man ready to snatch you up. YOU HAVE NO IDEA who this actually is. The phone is mine, no the phone is gone.
I glance around her room as I am speaking and find the nastiest hole in what I am sure is the entire state of North Carolina. My rage gets worse.
THIS PLACE IS DISGUSTING. What is wrong with you? Food, here? Candy wrappers? What is this sticky stuff? Why are your Christmas pajamas glued into a ball? Why have you drawn numbers up your door frame like the stripe of heights on the door of a convenient store to determine someone's height as they steal something???? NO ONE WANTS ANYTHING IN HERE, this place is disgusting. You know what... go stand outside. Seriously, get out of my house. I can't look at you right now. Take a coat it's cold outside.
OH MY GOD, I HAVE FAILED AS A MOM.
THE ACADEMY IS COMING TO TAKE MY AWARD.
I cleaned until my rage was so bad I couldn't see straight. I made her come back inside and clean the graffiti off the door frame, and then continue cleaning her room. While she cleaned...
I WENT TO AT&T AND I RETURNED HER PHONE.
That is right, I returned the phone. I returned her birthday present. MOM OF THE FRIGGIN' YEAR! I was convinced that at this point I am a monster. I cried in my car. I debated how much gas it would take me to get to Mexico and start a new life. I googled how much it would cost for me to send her to boarding school.
I WAS DONE.
And then I remembered something important. Something that I shouldn't have ever forgotten. Something that my mom guilt had clouded and jaded over time. When I was at home and my family was my full time job, MY KIDS DID NOT RUN MY HOUSE.
Why are you letting them run your house now? Why are you letting your kids play you and manipulate you? Why are you letting them talk to you with disrespect and disobey you? I AM NOT HERE TO BE THEIR FRIEND! I am here to raise them to be adults, and right now... I am failing them because I am too busy trying to give them everything.
RESET
*Feb 17 - The phone is nothing more than a bad memory, and for the first time in a long time I am writing. I am writing because it gives me peace. It gives me comfort. It gives me an outlet. I am taking back my house, and I am taking back my life!
I am done letting my mom guilt control me, because I am done feeling guilty about not being at home with my kids. I am done feeling guilty that I missed a field trip, or didn't finish the homework packet. I am done feeling guilty that I forgot to submit the Birthday Club information to PTA or that I couldn't be at the Valentine's Party.
I am doing the best I can, and that is going to have to be good enough!
Because I am enough, even if I didn't get to wear the gown and accept an award.
