Someone

I have taken a break from social media for a few days and what has happened has been wonderful.  I have had time to reflect on myself, my family, and my life.  It is amazing what you learn about you when you stop focusing on everyone else.

I am a people pleaser!  Look up Pisces and read even a little, and you will see that we have a tendency to take care of everyone around us before we take care of ourselves.  That is me in a nut shell.  I want to take care of everyone, and I enjoy having people to take care of.  The problem is, not everyone appreciates the things you do for them, and eventually you resent them for it and are exhausted from the work.

Taking a break and focusing on me has allowed me to really think about what it is that I want.  One thing about me that a lot of people may not know is that I am a ridiculously hopeless romantic.  It seems almost absurd that after the experience I lived through in the last year that I can even think about love again, but I do.  I think about it a lot.  I think that is because it has been a very long time since I have felt loved, and I am not even sure that it was real love.  So, I thought about it, and I do what I always do... wrote about it.  This is what I came up with, and I thought I would get these words out in a letter form to the "someone" I will meet one day.  This isn't just a letter to him.  It is also a reminder to myself.  Something to hold me accountable to what it is I want, in hopes that I never allow myself to settle for less than that again.

Dear Someone,
My heart is tender, and has been bruised and broken.  I have built walls around it to protect it from the people like those who have come before you.  I don't want to punish you for the mistakes of my past, and I hope you can understand and be patient with me while I decide if you are someone I can trust.  I love hard, I know no other way.  Sometimes I wish I did.  Honestly though, I would rather fall apart than love half hearted.  I promise that if you are patient, I will be worth the wait.  I want a love like no other.  I want that love to be something that makes me a better person.  Something that sets me on fire, but makes me feel at peace.  I want someone who challenges me, but fully supports me.  Someone who appreciates my strengths, but embraces my flaws.  Someone who sees what I bring to the table.  Someone who tells me I'm beautiful and does it often.  Someone who will hug me when I am sad & hear me when I am angry.  Someone who opens the door for me, and holds my hand without asking.  Someone who kisses me on my forehead after brushing my hair from my face.  Someone who presses me up against a wall, and grabs my face to kiss me like I have always wanted to be kissed.  Someone who smiles because he sees me laughing with my friends.  Someone who loves God and loves my children, with no conditions.  Someone who has dreamt of loving someone like me for years.  Someone who smiles at me the way Harry smiles at Meghan.  Someone who won't go to sleep mad at me.  Someone who hates to see me cry.  Someone who can't wait to meet my family, and spend time with them.  Someone who forgives me when I make mistakes.  Someone who will kill all of my spiders.  Someone who will twirl me around in the kitchen or in public.  Someone who is proud to call me his.  Someone who doesn't question his feelings for me.  Someone who is loving and kind, but adventurous and strong.  Someone who can take control and curl my toes.  Someone who plans a date and makes it happen.  Someone who will snuggle me to sleep every night.  Someone who will laugh at funny movies and sing in the car with me.  Someone who feels like he won the lottery when he looks at me.  Someone who feels blessed to be a bonus dad to my kids.  Someone who talks me up to everyone he knows, so when I meet them they say "I have heard so much about you."  Someone who will call me baby and sweetheart.  Someone who will make me feel safe and never insecure.  Someone who won't judge my past and appreciates the struggles I have been through.  Someone who will cook with me.  Someone who will make it his mission not to hurt me.  Someone who makes me understand real love for the first time in my life.  I know you are out there, and hopefully you are praying that you meet me the same way I pray I meet you.  I hope we meet soon, so I can love you as long as possible.  I pray that until we meet, you are happy.
I can't wait to meet you.
Jessica

Until I meet this someone, I am going to continue to find happiness in my world.  I am blessed with so much.  I am grateful for this time to reflect.  Focusing on me isn't such a bad idea right now.  Growth comes from reflection, and I am already feeling more peace.

Dear Mothers

It is the eve of my 8th Mother's Day, and I find myself drowning in a million emotions.  Being a mother is hands down the most rewarding experience of my life to date, and also the hardest challenge of my life.  While I have celebrated 7 Mother's Days already as a mom, this will be my first as a single mom.

I spent my youth dreaming of growing up and being a mom.  I wanted 4, that is right, 4 children.  I had beautiful ideas of what my big family would be like, and I couldn't wait to get that family started. But, life has a funny way of throwing sticks in front of you while you are roller blading (Big Daddy reference... I love Adam Sandler movies!), and my big family dreams faded.

I found myself married to a man who loved his job more than his family, and after baby #2 arrived, I realized that I wasn't cut out to raise more than 2 by myself.  Now that me and my littles live 2 states away from their dad, the reality of raising them alone really hit home.

So what does Mother's Day mean to me?

Growing up, I didn't have a relationship with my mother.  She will read this, and likely be horrified that I am writing this publicly, but I write what I know.  It wasn't until 2010 that I really developed a relationship with my mom, and I was 25.  I took her for granted, I viewed her as my harshest critic, and was genuinely convinced that she couldn't stand me, much less love me.

In January of 2010, I was put on bed rest.  After an early labor scare, I wasn't allowed to do anything!  As mentioned before, my husband was married to his job so I was on my own.  My mom came over to my house every night while I was on bed rest.  After working a full time job, she would come to my house no questions asked.  She did my laundry, she made dinner, she walked the dogs, she cleaned the house, she kept me company, and she became my friend.

I couldn't understand why she would do all of that for me.  I remember wondering what her end game was!  What could she think I had that I could repay her with.  It wasn't until the moment that I held my daughter in my arms, that I fully understood how much that woman loved me.  It clicked.  She would do anything for me, because she was my mom.  It was literally that simple.

As I watched that little girl of mine grow, I learned how hard being a mom really is.  I called her often to apologize for things I did and said when I was growing up.  I developed a deep appreciation for my mom, and our friendship became important to me.  I can't imagine not having her to call when I wanted to cry or laugh about mom related things.

Being a mom often means feeling like a failure.  It means second guessing yourself.  It means questioning things that you said you would never do.  It means sounding like your parents.  It means wondering if they are eating enough vegetables.  It means crying over breastfeeding.  It means no sleep.  It means being the bad guy.  It means helping with homework.  It means kissing boo boos.  It means being hated.  It means cheering on the sidelines.  It means sleepy bedtime snuggles.  It means being unfair.  It means learning to love wine.  It means play dates.  It means potty training.  It means getting in the pool.  It means tieing shoes.  It means stains.  It means mini vans.  It means G Rated Movies.  It means knowing the theme song to Dora the Explorer.  It means doctor appointments.  It means wiping boogers.  It means PTA meetings.  It means babysitters.  It means nights in with Netflix.  It means midnight fever checks.  It means fingerprints on windows.  It means stretch marks. Bottom line... It means sacrifice.

I would walk over fiery coals just to walk across a bed of broken glass for those kids of mine.
Being a mom means everything to me.  It means I have a purpose.  Being a single mom means hoping and praying that one day, someone will love my kids as much as he loves me.  It means praying that one day they will have a dad to look up too and learn from.  Being a daughter means I have a mom who loves me.  It means I am grateful for the relationship I have with my mom.

I have a lot of reasons to celebrate on Mother's Day, and I imagine that most people reading this probably do as well.

Dear Mothers - 

You are enough.  Don't forget that.  You are amazing, and you deserve to be celebrated.

Blogger high fives and happiest Mother's Day wishes to all of you.