I find myself today, at 38 years old in a strange season of life that seems hard to explain.
I have accidently but voluntarily become a loaner, and seem to find my self isolated more often than not. I started a business this year that thrives on social media marketing. This means I spend a good portion of my time on social media, interacting with followers and brands. That also means I don't find joy in social media anymore. Where I used to feel connected to people from every walk of life I have taken, I now see stress and mental exhaustion. There is a dark side to social media that most people will never see, but when you create content for a living... it slaps you in the face a few times a month. There is so much hate and vitriol out in the world, but I try not to let it dull my spark. Maybe I will be the light in someone's day that they needed, and so I press on.
I have found myself in a stage of life where my friendships are very few. In my 20s I felt like I needed everyone's approval and I let people walk all over me. Friends at all costs, to my own detriment. My 30s however, especially my late 30s, have started standing up for myself and creating boundaries. It is amazing how much people hate it when you won't let them use you or abuse you anymore!
For a long time now I have felt a weight on me that I must be a really hard person to be friends with. I mean, these women take advantage of me and my friendship for a good chunk of time and then POOF, they are gone. I looked at this rejection as a reflection of myself and my own character. Maybe I just attract the wrong kind of friends, or maybe my personality is too much for people. I am honest and I am blunt, but I am also kind and I give way too many chances.
So what could the problem be here, is it me?
I had an aha moment today.
A culmination of a few pieces of information that all lead me to a "Oh, I get it now" place.
The issues is not me. In fact there is no issues at all. I have been focused on people treating me poorly and tossing me out, constantly looking to God saying "why me?" "Cant you make this better God, I don't deserve to be treated like this."
While I was focusing on the negative, God has been focusing on my growth.
These lessons have taught me a lot, and I have seen myself grow so much through each of them. I am no longer quick to react with nasty words in retaliation. I don't feel the need for retribution or to defend my honor to anyone. If people want to believe the lies, let them!
But this isn't even the growth God has focused on.
I fully believe that God has removed the unnecessary from my life so that I can focus on one thing.
HIM.
I can lean on Him instead of a "friend" who will talk about me behind my back. I can run to Him for advice when I am having a hard day as a Mom. I can focus on the wife that He has called me to be. He has eliminated the drama and the stress for me so my ADD doesn't cloud my perspective.
I tend to be a YES person. If someone asks me to do something, even if I am maxed out or do not want anything to do with that... I still say yes. In fact, I have always envied people who can simply say no! HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!?!
But I am finding that sometimes it is okay to focus on myself, especially if it ties to my relationship with God.
It is okay to walk away from a conversation where someone is putting their husband down, because I love my husband I do not want to commiserate with them.
It is okay to not want to hang out with someone because the way they parent makes it difficult for me to be a good mom to my own kids.
it is okay to say I can't help you move, or loan you money, or watch your kids because it would mean putting my own family in a bad place.
God has allowed me to grow towards Him and find security in who I am by removing people from my world that didn't guide me in the right direction. On the same note, He has also put people in my life and provided opportunities that help lift me and encourage me to continuing growing.
This morning I took my Abbie to a homeschool PE class and while she was in class, I walked. I needed to get my steps in and close that exercise ring!! I am working on me, and that involves my health and fitness as well.
While I walked lap after lap, I listened to a podcast by Joyce Meyer and man did it hit home. The message was on rejection. I am notorious for relating any kind of rejection to a rejection of ME. If someone criticized my kids, I was a bad mom. If someone didn't like dinner, I was a terrible cook. I developed stage fright after so many rejections at auditions and refused to sing in front of anyone.
The issue with logic like this is, not everyone raises kids the same way. Not everyone has the same palate when it comes to food. Not everyone likes the same kind of music or singers. Opinions are subjective, and while I heard that rejection and applied it to I AM TERRIBLE AT (fill in the blank), that isn't reality.
Jesus faced rejection of epic proportions and it didn't stop Him from being who He was called to be.
So I can't live in this headspace that I am a failure because someone didn't approve.
After her PE class, we had a women's Bible Study focused on being better than a Mediocre Mom. Society likes to relate to each other and how hard life is. We whine and complain through sarcastic memes and look for people to say "I get it, me too".
But don't our kids deserve more than that? They deserve to have a Mom who fills her own gas tank up so that she can keep going and going until the day is over. This HIT HOME. I have 7 TVs in my house... SEVEN. One in each bedroom, the living room, the basement, the gym, and one on the back porch. That means 7 people can be watching something on one of the countless streaming options... Youtube TV, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Max, or Hulu, at the same time. And lets not forget that we also all have phones, and computers, and Chrome books, and iPads. There is a distraction around EVERY CORNER. Here you go kiddos, it is 6, and I am exhausted. Get whatever you want out of the pantry for dinner, or I can run by ChickFilA. Go sit in front of the tv with a device in hand and zone out.
How is that filling anyone's tank up? What are my kids learning? What will they want their marriage to look like, and how will they raise their kids if this is what they know??
They deserve more, they deserve a family and family experiences. They deserve unconditional love and not an annoyed mom. They deserve grace and not anger. They deserve more than mediocre and the fact that I can process this and understand it as opposed to getting defensive shows GROWTH!
The fact that I can step back and realize that rejection doesn't always mean the worst, is GROWTH!
The fact that I can do all of these things, and have the time to focus on being a better mother because God has removed the ones draining me dry. And the fact that I can realize that and thank Him, is GROWTH!
I see what you did there God, and I am grateful for all of it.
The book from the Bible Study I am doing is called M is for Mama and it is a GREAT read!
If you would like to look into it, here is the information.
