You Are

Over the last year, I have learned a lot about myself.  I have found the person that I want to be, and I appreciate the girl I see in the mirror now.  It took some hardships for that appreciation to build, and it took some soul searching for me to use the trials I have been through as a learning experience.  

One of the qualities that I like the most about myself is my honesty.  I am a transparent person and I tend to be an open book.  This also tends to be one of the things I dislike the most about myself.  I often find myself torn between having a private life, and not wanting to hide behind a wall.  

When my marriage ended, I was incredibly open and honest about what took place.  While I didn't want to drag anyone's name through the mud, I had no real reason to hold back when asked questions.  I took to my blog, as I often do to share my feelings, my opinions, and my fears for the future.  

When I blog, I expect a lot of things.  I expect that opinions will be formed about what I write, and I expect that not everyone will agree with what I say.  I expect that some will agree whole heartedly and will share the blog on their end.  This opens my opinions up to people I have never even come in contact with.  This being said, I tend to blog with a purpose.

I do not often write just to write.  I write with a reason, personal experience, and a goal of doing some good in the world, even in just a small blog kind of way.

What I didn't expect within the last 6 months was to become what I now call a "Poster Child" for divorce.  I honestly never believed in divorce.  I was the product of not 1 but 3 divorces and an additional separation.  I wanted to make sure that my kids weren't put through what I experienced years ago.  

However, when it happened, I shared.

That is what I do here.  I didn't realize that by doing this, I actually opened a door for so many people that I know and love to share with me about their marriages being on the rocks.  I was saddened every time I received a message from another friend about their marriage coming to an end as well. 

I had to step back and big picture this.  The most common message I was receiving was "How did you do it?"  They wanted to know real logistics, because they were drowning in the what ifs on their ends.  They were afraid to leave, afraid to walk away from horrible situations because they feared starting over.  They feared being on their own.  And most importantly they feared being alone.

I have been back in the world of adult dating for a few months now, and I have met some interesting people in the process!  I have met some serious duds and I have met some pretty cool people, which resulting in friendships if nothing else.

I thought I would take a second to share my thoughts on this whole dating situation with the people (male or female) that need to hear it to the most!

1)  YOU ARE ENOUGH.

This is something that you need to understand.  You do not NEED to be with someone just to feel like you are not alone.  One of the loneliest places I have ever sat was on a couch beside someone who didn't want to be with me.  I believed fully when I left that no one would ever want me again.  I now included 2 children, baggage which would be viewed as a complication.  "Why would anyone want to deal with me and this world I have created, because I am not worth it."  Except that I am worth it, because I am enough.  I do not have to be anything other than who I am.  Someone will want everything I have to offer one day, and until then... I can keep working on me! I can keep finding myself and learn what I have to offer.  I can prepare myself so that when this person walks into my life, I am ready.  Remind yourself that YOU ARE ENOUGH.  Write it on a piece of paper, and tape it to your bathroom mirror, make the lock screen on your phone an image that says that phrase, tattoo it on your wrist... I don't care what you have to do to remind yourself of this!  DO IT!

2)  YOU ARE STRONG.

You honestly do no know how strong you are until strong is the only option you have.  You will find strength that you didn't know existed.  If you are a parent, and you will now be raising kids alone... strong is not a choice.  You have to be there for them.  You have to be the rock they need in their life. Do little things for yourself that give you the ability to continue being their strength every single day. Emotions will happen.  Tears will fall.  You will scream and you will cuss.  Some days I find myself literally yelling at God.  Staring up at my ceiling, hands out, and screaming at him to fix it.  Help me, I know you can, so stop waiting around and just help me.  When you reach a point where you yell at God, it means your relationship is real!  Relationships include fights, so telling Him your fears and frustrations like you would your parents, your friends, your significant other... that makes it real.  There is no weakness behind emotion, so don't beat yourself up for feeling it.  Use that emotion to build strength.

3)  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

When marriages end, it becomes incredibly easy to believe that you are unlovable, you are not worthy, you are not beautiful.  And I have news for you... that is bullshit!  (Yes, I love Jesus, and I cuss a little... some days a lot.)  One of the most important things to remember is not to get involved with anyone else until you can look at yourself in the mirror and love who you see.  If you can't love yourself, you are not ready to love another person.  There is no shame in confidence, and it takes time to build it.  Within a month of my agreement being final, I began to like the person I saw in the mirror.  She lost 30lbs, and she smiled a lot more than she had in the last 5 years combined.  She glowed, because the weight of the world had been lifted off of her shoulders.  Someone I love actually said to me...

"I didn't realize how unhappy you were.  I thought your personality was just who you were, and you are such a fun person now.  You are obviously happy now, and I hate that the person I knew before was so unhappy."

I didn't even realize how much my unhappiness had seeped into all of my other relationships.  I shut myself off to the world, and I hated who I became.  When you get a fresh start, SEIZE IT.  It is rare that you get a second chance in this lifetime, so find yourself.  Work on getting to a place that you smile when you look at your reflection.  You are beautiful, accept that!

4)  YOU ARE LOVABLE.

Believe it or not, there is someone out there praying that they meet you.  You don't know each other yet.  You may not have met.  But they are preparing themselves for the day you meet.  It may take weeks, months, or years, but it will happen.  In the meantime, enjoy the opportunity you have to meet new people.  Do not rush into a relationship so that you won't be alone.  Statistics show that 50% of marriages fail... but they also show that 67% of second marriages fail.  Even worse 73% of third marriages fail.  Why do you think that number gets higher and higher?  Because people rebound and settle.  If I am honest, coming out of a 10 year marriage meant that I had no freaking clue how to be a girlfriend again.  I found myself being "wifey" to anyone I went on a date with.  Thankfully I saw it, and immediately went to work on fixing this.  Practice being a friend.  When you build a friendship with someone, you are taking the time to get to know them.  You are not rushing something, you are not forcing something, you are not settling.  You deserve a happy relationship.  Your children deserve to be a part of something that they can look at and learn from.  Positive role models, loving environments, and a happy home.  Rushing into something because you fear that you are not lovable does everyone involved an injustice.  Mr Right is out there, so take your time because believe it or not someone would happily be a part of your life and love you the way you should be loved.

5)  YOU ARE SUPPORTED.

Lastly but certainly not to be overlooked.  Seek your support system.  You will find peace and feel a lot less anxiety when you surround yourself with a solid support system.  I had no idea how large my support system was until I opened up and let them in.  I had built walls of secrets around me, and when the walls fell down, people were knocking other people out of the way to help me, hug me, and be there for me.  Instead of pouring yourself into a new relationship fresh out of the gates, surround yourself with people who love you, care about you, and want to see you succeed.  Show your appreciation for them.  Spend quality time with them.  Tend to these relationships and watch how quickly you find that happiness you didn't know existed.  You can do anything you want to with the right amount of support!  Weed out the negative relationships in your life, and make sure that your tribe is PRO YOU!  

Starting over is scary.  Being a single parent is overwhelming.  Single life as an adult is strange to say the least!  But it is all an experience and if you look at it as an adventure and part of your journey... you won't feel so much anxiety!  

I am not sure that I am the best "Poster Child" for divorce, being a single parent, or anything for that matter, but what I can be is honest.  If you need honesty, I am your girl!  I am flattered that anyone would look to me for advice.  I am honored that people trust me with their stories and seek my opinions.  I will never share what I am told.  I will never judge you.  I will be honest, good or bad, because that is what real friendships are made from.  

If you have messaged me about your marriage, I have prayed for you.  I will continue to be here for you if you need a safe place to seek support.  I am currently writing a book!  That is correct, I am 5 chapters into writing a book about my experience.  I want to help how I can.  I have had an incredible group of supportive friends and family through this... and I am so grateful for all of you.

"But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength"

2 Timothy 4:17

A Shot of Fear

I was asked a question the other day that really made me stop and think about our world.
One of those questions that you answer based on your feelings, and then you really think it all through, and analyze why you feel the way you do.  I know, I know... I overthink the junk out of everything, but that is who I am.  I already know that this post will be controversial, but this is MY BLOG, and it is MY SPACE to share MY FEELINGS.  This post is NOT intended to spark a Facebook war, and I ask that you keep in mind that opinions are like assholes.  Everyone has one, and some of them stink. So here goes nothing.

"How do you feel about the school shooting in Florida?  You have kids in the public school system, so does it make you scared?"

The short answer is No.
The long answer explains why.

Reality is, I fear for my safety and that of my children every time we leave the comfort of our home.  It is my job to protect those 2 little humans, and that is hard to do in the world we live in today.  Shootings can happen ANYWHERE.  You can go to the movies, and never see the end.  You can go to a Night Club, and never hear the end of a song.  You can go to a Jason Aldean concert in the middle of a parking lot in Vegas, and never wake up the next day.
WE CAN NOT LIVE OUR LIVES IN FEAR THAT SOMEONE WILL END IT.

Death is a part of life.  Of course I hope I wake up tomorrow.  I am not ready to go meet my maker just yet, and I haven't finished all I want to do here!  But when it's my time to go, He is going to take me home, ready or not.

When a shooting happens anywhere, the same cycle happens.
Shooting >> Facebook Debates >> Nothing Changes >> We Forget >> REPEAT.
I think having an annual day of remembrance of school shootings might not be such a bad idea.  Pick a day US GOVERNMENT, and make it a National Day of Remembrance.  Just like we remember the tragedy that was 9/11, or we use Memorial Day to remember those who have died in battle for our country.  

School shootings are the definition of a tragedy.  They traumatize students, terrify parents, and spark the gun control controversy every single time they happen.  I consider myself to be a liberal conservative!  I know that is a contradiction in terms, but there are a lot of things that I fall to the left on and a lot that I fall to the right on.

I fully believe that as an American we have the right, and should continue to have the right to bear arms.  I do not own a firearm, but I wish I did.  I am aware of the statistics, all of them.  So, please don't waste your breath trying to educate me on them!

I do believe that the process to obtain a weapon should be harder, but I am also aware that no matter how hard the process is to purchase a weapon... the bad guys will still end up with them.  The government made it challenging to buy Sudafed.  It is now behind the counter, you must show your ID to purchase it, and you can only purchase 2 boxes a month.  However, the meth world still finds a way to land plenty of pseudo and they continue to cook meth!

No, I do not believe that we should give teachers guns!  I think most teachers would likely agree that guns IN SCHOOL are a bad idea.  Put guns in the school, and you now have a way for anyone to find, steal, and use these additional weapons.  This argument actually makes me laugh.  You guys whine and complain about buying a 3 ring binder and glue sticks, but let's purchase all of the teachers glocks!  These teachers are smart and are aware of the dangers that they face daily.  They know that high risk and active shooter situations are a possibility the same way they know a tornado could hit the school.  They prepare and train for it, and would protect our children however they could.

To sum it up, NO, I am not afraid to send my kids to school after the shooting in Florida.  I wasn't afraid to go to school after the Columbine shooting that left 15 students dead.  I wasn't afraid to send my kids to school after the shooting in Sandy Hook that left 28 children dead, or the shooting at Virginia Tech that left 33 students dead.

I am grateful for the teachers that spend their days educating and protecting my babies.  To say I feared sending them to school every day would be saying that I don't trust them.  It would be saying I don't trust the school to keep them safe.  I have to trust them.  I have to trust them the same way I trust that I am not going to breathe my last breath when I walk into Walmart to buy laundry detergent.

WE CAN NOT LIVE IN FEAR.  A life lived in fear, is not a life lived at all.

One of THOSE Days

As kids, we all had dreams.  Ideas of what our lives would look like when we grew up.  It was easy to picture ourselves being just about anything!  I wanted to work at McDonalds, so I could wear the cool headset.  I wanted to be an ice skater so I could spin like Nancy Kerrigan, hold the knee beating from Tonya Harding please.  I wanted to be a back up dancer for Britney Spears.  I wanted to work for the CIA.  I wanted to work in the ER as a doctor.  I wanted to sing on stage in front of hundreds of fans.

I wanted to do a lot of things that never panned out, but there was one thing I wanted that became reality.  I wanted to be a mom.  

The beautiful picture that I painted myself of what motherhood would look like was more than naive. I guess I choose to ignore the reality that parents of the many kids I watched, taught, or nannied talked about!  I pictured my sweet family of 6 sitting around a Christmas tree.  Reading a book together in matching pajamas.  I pictured the same 6 people sitting around a table with a beautifully cooked meal.  All 6 of us ate what was cooked, we laughed and joked about life and caught up on our days.  I pictured our family at basketball games, softball games, football games, and soccer games all supporting one another.  

What I didn't picture or even think about was the challenges that accompany being a parent.  I didn't think about a late potty trainer, or a struggling reader.  I didn't picture ADD or seizures.  I didn't picture endless arguments about flushing a toilet.  I didn't picture evenings where not a single one of us made it to the dinner table because we ate in shifts and nothing was cooked.  I didn't picture sick kids or hospital visits.  

Maybe I choose to look past a lot of things that someone whom has never had children wouldn't know in the first place.  But I signed up to be a mom.  I did this willingly.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, and I knew how it happened.  I didn't let it happen once, I let it happen twice.  I knew after 2 that I wasn't built to be a mom of 4, and I accepted that. 

In my 8 years as a mom, I can remember 2 family dinners around the table.  Both were spaghetti and we may have sat together for 5 mins between the constant "I need more milk", "I dropped my fork", "Can I eat something else?" comments that erupted from their little mouths.  We never sat around the Christmas tree as a family reading a book in matching pajamas, and we haven't really reached the stage of supporting each other in sports just yet.  

I may not have know what this would be like, but I signed up for it.  

What I didn't sign up for, was doing it alone.  

Some days I smile and I find happiness everywhere I look.  Some days I am grateful that I don't have to split time with the kids, and I don't have to deal with constant custody battles.  Some days I face every hurdle head on and my knees do not buckle at all.

And then there are days like today.  Days where it doesn't matter what you did to prevent it, your youngest caught the flu.  Days where the "mommy" in you is so worn out that you can't stand the word mommy anymore.  Being a single mom is one of the hardest things I have done to date, and on days like today, my eyes leak a lot.  I find myself staring at the ceiling and asking Him things that I probably shouldn't.  Blaming Him for things that aren't His fault.  "I gave him the flu shot this year, what was the point?  If you were just going to sit back and let him get the flu, then why torcher him with a shot?'

On days like these I want to throw my hands up and walk away.  But I can't.  Quitting is not an option. I can't quit them, because they need me.  And even though they don't express it often, they appreciate everything I do for them.  I may not have signed up to be a single mom, but they certainly didn't sign up to be short handed in the mom department.  

So I push through.  I wipe the tears away, put on my big girl panties, drink a swig of wine straight from the bottle... and power through.  

To the women out there who are single moms, and the men out there who are single dads... you are soldiers.  I feel you, and I am giving you all the Hunger Games "3 finger air kiss" right now.  

CHEERS