I have been told many times that fear is weakness, and I tend to reassure others battling fear that they can't let it destroy them. "Don't let a bad today, destroy a beautiful tomorrow." This is something I have said to many people and I stand by that statement fully.
However, I tend to bottle my emotions, as I am learning that most Pisces do. No, I do not believe in horoscopes, but I do believe that astrological signs can tell us a lot about our personalities. If you research Pisces you will find that 80% of what is out there about them, applies to me. One of those things is bottling emotions and feelings until I blow at something random.
Did you ever see the movie Erin Brockovich? If you didn't, I would highly recommend a movie night! This is one of my favorite Julia Roberts movies of all times. The irony of me loving this movie and now being a single mom struggling to find a job is not lost on me. There are days when I can paint on my bravest smile, and shine like the brightest star in the sky, and then there are days like today.
Days when the fear wins. Days when I wonder how on earth I am going to provide for my kids for the rest of my life. Days where I can't simply look at the now, and drown in the big picture. Unfortunately fear is part of life, and it is this same fear that often pushes us out of our comfort zones and into something new. Being brave is not easy, and when we accept reality and face it head on we are embodying the concept of bravery.
I am told often that I am brave. Every time this is said to me, I say thank you. It is a huge compliment, and I am grateful that I appear brave to the world. But the truth is, I laugh a little inside when I hear this. I drown in fear often, and I am a lot less brave than the world likes to think I am. I am terrified of going back to work, and my kids having to go to after school care. I am terrified of not having health insurance after my divorce is final. I am terrified of not being able to save for retirement one day. FEAR. The fear is there, and it is a healthy sign of being responsible. That fear is going to push me to find a job, one that I had to work for and work at to be good at.
Fear can destroy you, or it can build your strength. Fear can control you, or you can take control back and run from the fear while you make yourself a better a stronger person.
I can pep talk all day long, but if I am honest, the fear won over here today. The fear took over and I was drowning in the big picture. After I came unglued, I decided to look at the smaller pieces of the puzzle and work on putting them together one at a time. There is no shame in fear. It is human, and I am human. I will continue to succumb to fear now and then. I will also continue to push past it. Mainly because I do not have a choice! But also because I refuse to let the fear I face now & then define me or ruin any chance I may have at creating a beautiful future for myself and my children.
I am Erin Brockovich. She was a badass, and I respect what she did for her family.
I am not afraid.
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