I am a people pleaser! Look up Pisces and read even a little, and you will see that we have a tendency to take care of everyone around us before we take care of ourselves. That is me in a nut shell. I want to take care of everyone, and I enjoy having people to take care of. The problem is, not everyone appreciates the things you do for them, and eventually you resent them for it and are exhausted from the work.
Taking a break and focusing on me has allowed me to really think about what it is that I want. One thing about me that a lot of people may not know is that I am a ridiculously hopeless romantic. It seems almost absurd that after the experience I lived through in the last year that I can even think about love again, but I do. I think about it a lot. I think that is because it has been a very long time since I have felt loved, and I am not even sure that it was real love. So, I thought about it, and I do what I always do... wrote about it. This is what I came up with, and I thought I would get these words out in a letter form to the "someone" I will meet one day. This isn't just a letter to him. It is also a reminder to myself. Something to hold me accountable to what it is I want, in hopes that I never allow myself to settle for less than that again.
Dear Someone,
My heart is tender, and has been bruised and broken. I have built walls around it to protect it from the people like those who have come before you. I don't want to punish you for the mistakes of my past, and I hope you can understand and be patient with me while I decide if you are someone I can trust. I love hard, I know no other way. Sometimes I wish I did. Honestly though, I would rather fall apart than love half hearted. I promise that if you are patient, I will be worth the wait. I want a love like no other. I want that love to be something that makes me a better person. Something that sets me on fire, but makes me feel at peace. I want someone who challenges me, but fully supports me. Someone who appreciates my strengths, but embraces my flaws. Someone who sees what I bring to the table. Someone who tells me I'm beautiful and does it often. Someone who will hug me when I am sad & hear me when I am angry. Someone who opens the door for me, and holds my hand without asking. Someone who kisses me on my forehead after brushing my hair from my face. Someone who presses me up against a wall, and grabs my face to kiss me like I have always wanted to be kissed. Someone who smiles because he sees me laughing with my friends. Someone who loves God and loves my children, with no conditions. Someone who has dreamt of loving someone like me for years. Someone who smiles at me the way Harry smiles at Meghan. Someone who won't go to sleep mad at me. Someone who hates to see me cry. Someone who can't wait to meet my family, and spend time with them. Someone who forgives me when I make mistakes. Someone who will kill all of my spiders. Someone who will twirl me around in the kitchen or in public. Someone who is proud to call me his. Someone who doesn't question his feelings for me. Someone who is loving and kind, but adventurous and strong. Someone who can take control and curl my toes. Someone who plans a date and makes it happen. Someone who will snuggle me to sleep every night. Someone who will laugh at funny movies and sing in the car with me. Someone who feels like he won the lottery when he looks at me. Someone who feels blessed to be a bonus dad to my kids. Someone who talks me up to everyone he knows, so when I meet them they say "I have heard so much about you." Someone who will call me baby and sweetheart. Someone who will make me feel safe and never insecure. Someone who won't judge my past and appreciates the struggles I have been through. Someone who will cook with me. Someone who will make it his mission not to hurt me. Someone who makes me understand real love for the first time in my life. I know you are out there, and hopefully you are praying that you meet me the same way I pray I meet you. I hope we meet soon, so I can love you as long as possible. I pray that until we meet, you are happy.
I can't wait to meet you.
Jessica
Until I meet this someone, I am going to continue to find happiness in my world. I am blessed with so much. I am grateful for this time to reflect. Focusing on me isn't such a bad idea right now. Growth comes from reflection, and I am already feeling more peace.
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