So, when I look ahead to my future... even though I am in my "late-early 30s"... my dream job or career would involve writing. Basically I am saying that when I grow up, I want to be a writer!
For those who follow me on Facebook, many are aware that I have been writing a book. I write chapters here and there when the mood strikes me, but I want to complete it. I want to publish it. I want to be able to call myself a legitimate writer, and claim writing as my career.
I have sent the unedited draft of my book in the works to 3 people. These 3 people were not only people I respect and value the opinions of, but people I felt would be supportive, but also honest about what they read. The feedback was better than I expected, and also showed that I have some work left to do.
As another very chaotic season with Hallmark is coming to an end, and we are rolling into the easier months of summer with my job, I find myself back in that writing space. Do I complete this project? Do I write about something else and just start new? Do I actually attempt to pursue this and set some goals for myself?
I thought that the best way to answer some of these questions, is by releasing a sample of my writing right here in my blog. So, here goes nothing! Chapter 1 of my book in progress is titled "The Perfection Perception", and it is directed to all of the overachieving parents who continue to set unrealistic expectations and standards for themselves and their families.
Chapter 1 is below and I would love to know what your thoughts are after reading it. Share this blog post on your FB if you enjoyed it, so I can get a more widespread survey. I hope and pray that there are people who want to read more of my writing out there!
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THE PERFECTION PERCEPTION
A birthday party is scheduled, and the date is officially on the calendar. So, I am scanning Pinterest at 12:30am. I should be asleep, but how can I possibly close my eyes and rest when there are so many things that need my attention. Themes mean decorating, and cakes, and games. This will take weeks, and hours of work. I am up for the challenge though. I mean after all, she only turns 5 once, right?
My 5th birthday party was a sleepover. My mom told me I could invite 5 friends, and apparently I wasn’t very good at counting! Or I was great at counting, and horrible at excluding people. At 32, I still do not like for anyone to feel excluded. So, I invited 13 friends to my birthday sleepover. That’s right, we had a 1000 square ft house, and I invited 13 girls to come spend the night! The girls brought sleeping bags, my mom made a cake, and we watched cartoons and movies on tv.
I had fun at that party. I can still remember a lot of things about it! As an adult, I feel terrible for my mom and all that she endured that night. She says we didn’t sleep at all. She also told me that she had to braid everyone’s hair the next morning, because I wanted mine braided! Moms are amazing, thank you Momma!
Now it was my turn to host my daughter’s 5th birthday, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do. It wasn’t just as simple as picking a fun theme, and decorating it super cute. It was also coming up with a unique party idea that none of her friend’s had done already. I didn’t realize that in 2015, it was just as big of a deal in the parent circle as it was in the kid circle. Parents trying to pull off the event of the year for their kids. Not just to make them happy, but to impress each other with their amazing ideas and party planning skills. Yes, this was reality!
My daughter at 5 years old was in her 2nd year as an all star cheerleader. She had too many friends to count, and I had to come up with an idea that would allow all of them to participate. How on earth could I pull this off? I mean, reality is, I wasn’t married to a lawyer, and we had a budget! But I smiled, and I planned.
My then husband was the General Manager of a movie theater in town, and not just any movie theater either. This was an adult’s only theater that was basically a fine dining restaurant which showed movies. I will not mention the name of this theater, as I do not want to advertise for them. You will understand why in a couple of chapters, so until then, let’s get back to the story.
A Movie Themed party had not been done. I was able to fill the theater, which allowed us to invite up to 60 people. And I had full reign over the party. Scheduled at 10am, I had a red carpet entrance with a step repeat set up! The girls entered the party and received VIP lanyards to wear around their neck. They gained access to the red carpet and had their pictures taken like stars.
When they entered the theater, they were allowed to choose their seat, which of course were luxury plush leather chairs. They were given popcorn and drinks, and offered many snacks during the feature. Since we had full control of the theater, my daughter selected her favorite Disney movie, The Descendants, to show on the big screen. Just before noon, we brought in Chick Fil A nuggets and served lunch, because each seat also had a pull out tray.
After the movie ended, everyone sang Happy Birthday to the birthday girl, and enjoyed cupcakes. The cupcakes were of course from the best bakery in town, because that was the only option. And each cupcake was topped with a custom made Director’s Board topper.
As each guest left they were given a goody bag which contained a bag of microwavable popcorn, a Hershey Bar, and a Director’s Board keychain. The girls loved it, and they all had such a great time.
I felt like I had succeeded. I had thrown the ultimate 5th birthday for my daughter, and while I didn’t pay for the facility, it still cost a small fortune! I was blown away how fast it all added up. The food, the cupcakes, the invitations, the decorations, the party bags… my gracious.
Sacrifices had to be made that month so that this party could happen. Of course we could have done something smaller. Of course we didn’t have to invite 40 kids. Of course we didn’t have to try and impress everyone we knew with the ultimate and unique birthday bash, but that just wasn’t an option.
I had fallen victim to the “Perfection Perception”, just as so many other moms I know. It wasn’t even about simply impressing the party guests, but posting the pictures on social media had to leave everyone who wasn’t invited impressed too. That social media mess has really screwed us all up! It’s like every single day in our lives is a 10 year high school reunion. We are all living for an audience of people, most of which we don’t even talk to on a regular basis.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. Growing up, I wasn’t a part of that “popular crowd”, and I always wanted to be. I was picked on and made fun of and peer pressure controlled me most of my life. This need to impress people ran deep, and was now seeping out into my adult life as a parent.
The realization that this was happening didn’t even hit me until last year. It is sad that I was working so hard to impress other parents. As if I needed them to validate that I was a good mom because I wasn’t cool in high school. That concept really bothers me now that I am aware of it. A few years ago, you would find me posting pictures of an event like this one online before it was even over. I needed the world to see that my world was amazing. I needed that because the reality of my world was far from it, and I didn’t dare let anyone see that.
I had set this false sense of perfection into motion years before. If it wasn’t birthday parties, it was the Elf on the Shelf. If it wasn’t the Elf on the Shelf, it was attempting to homeschool. If it wasn’t homeschooling, it was a New Years Eve party, or a Super Bowl Party, or a date night, or redecorating a room. Anything, anything at all that I could post to set the perfection perception into place again.
It was exhausting. I missed a lot of life looking through a camera. I wanted to catch every perfect moment so I could share it. That meant a lot of times, I didn’t see the real thing. I wasn’t enjoying life, and you only get those years with your kids one time. They are only little once. I hate that I lost a lot of that time living to impress anyone that followed me online.
The perfection perception is one that we need to be more aware of. I am not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions, but I made one this year. I wanted to spend more time living a life, than posting about one online. After the last year of my life, I lost the will to care if anyone is impressed by what I do on the daily! I think this was a very good thing to lose, and it shows growth in me as a person.
The perception of perfect is one that is very hard to shatter. You know that you built that illusion, and tearing it down could paint you out to be a fraud. This is something no one wants anyone to think about them. I am not a liar, and I was disgusted with myself when I realized what I had done. I had painted such a beautiful picture that people would never believe the reality, would they?
I was going to get blamed for all of it. The city was about to burn to the ground, and it was going to be my fault. My tombstone would read, “Here lies Jessica, the greatest disappointment of all.” Everyone would laugh at me, and think “she did it again, such a failure.”
First of all, let me inform you that your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! Mine isn’t going to be a tombstone, but if I wanted to have one, it would say “Jessica, Badass Extraordinaire”! The day the truth went public, I held my breath, and hit POST. I was terrified, but I was so tired of living a lie, that it just poured out.
I didn't realize how much I had come to dislike myself. Constantly disappointing myself and drowning in the stress and anxiety that came from the world I had created and allowed myself to continue living. The failure that I was so afraid of the world thinking I was, was simply something I felt about myself. We are our own worst critics, but I was beyond critical of myself. I couldn't seem to do anything right in my opinion, and the opinion of other's seemed to matter more than ever before. Blowing the whistle on the lie I had been living felt like someone had taken a ton of bricks off my chest. I could breathe again, and even though I feared what people would think and say, I was relieved that the lie was over.
What happened next was incredible. I was flooded with messages, texts, and phone calls. An overwhelming support washed over me, and I spoke to people I hadn’t spoken to in years. They cried with me, they were shocked for me, and they were so encouraging that I started to believe it would be okay. After a few days, I realized that the life I was used to may have been over, but I had a second chance. A chance to be happy, and make a life for myself that wasn’t meant to impress anyone else. One that was meant for me, and I set out to make it happen.
The walls had crumbled, and the truth was exposed. I am far from perfect, and life had been hard for a very long time.
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Thank You to everyone who has supported me,
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