My guess is that you answered that question with a YES!
I don't care if you are a single parent, or have a strong marriage and work together as a team. I don't care if you stay home with your kids, or work full time. I don't care if you homeschool, pay for private school, or are a public school system kind of home...
We goof up. ALL OF US.
I often find myself thinking, why did you do that to yourself? In moments like this, the graphic designer in me wishes I could just simply hit Control+Z and try again. Unfortunately it isn't that simple when you have to undo a mistake like the one I made.
She was turning 9, and I was so immersed in the chaos of life that I simply couldn't think of anything rational to do for her birthday. I work for Hallmark, and her birthday is Valentine's Day. I was also one of the head coaches for her competitive cheerleading team, and we were practicing 3 times a week. I was drowning in work, because of the holiday, and I was 2 weeks away from our first cheerleading competition of the season.
Mistake #1 - The Dog
She had begged for a dog for years. I had grown tired of the pleas. I had weighed the good and the bad. I wasn't willing to do a puppy, but a dog with a great track record for minimal shedding, being good with kids, and going to the bathroom outside seemed like it might work.
Our house is small, and there wasn't a lot of space for a dog, but this dog was medium in size and she was done growing. My son could benefit from the dog too. He loves animals and they are in a sense, therapeutic to him in a very calming way. I had the help of his in home nurse as well. I had faith in the ability of 2 adults to care for a well trained dog.
CONTROL+Z
After the dog pooped in my house daily for 2 weeks, escaped the back yard twice, and began refusing food, I had to face the facts... she was miserable. She was terrified of everything, including our home nurse. I was in this battle all by myself.
I had just managed to potty train my son, and here was on my hands and knees cleaning up poop, AGAIN. It didn't take long for me to reach that point of no return. I gave it all I had, and I was tapping out. The dog was returned to her original owner, and I sold all of her essentials that I had purchased.
NOW WHAT?
What I am going to give my daughter for her birthday that will be as exciting as the dog was? How can I save this birthday and not let her down? It is too late to plan a party for her, which we had decided to forego since we spent so much on the dog.
Mistake #2 - The Phone
I spoke to so many of my friends before making this purchase. All of them telling me that a monthly phone plan was a complete waste. "They never call anyone at this age." Most of the kids who have a phone plan at this age are splitting time with parents due to custody arrangements, which is a problem we don't really have. After weighing the options and the costs, I decided to get her an iPod Touch.
This would give her the feel and function of a phone, without the crazy expense of a plan.
I am willing to admit there was no need for a phone. I am willing to admit that I was practically clueless on what the consequences would be here. I am even willing to admit that the biggest reason for this purchase was my need as a parent to prevent FOMO for my daughter.
Watching her unwrap it was exciting. She was OVER THE MOON happy. What dog?! She wasn't sad or upset anymore, and now she could "fit in" in a way that I was never able to do as a kid.
She wasn't the only one without a "phone", and she was able to be a part of the world that her friends were.
CONTROL+Z
The day after her birthday, this chick was already changing. Her inability to be alone, ever, grew astronomically. I would walk into her room and find her on FaceTime with a friend or a group of friends. They weren't doing anything. She was playing on her own, and not even talking to them. They were there and that was enough for her. I found that she was unable to pause her train of thought on the phone to accomplish anything being asked of her. Simple instructions went unheard and tasks performed often and daily were being skipped or done incorrectly. The worst part however, became the constant question... "Can I download this app?" Of course I put security measures in place so she couldn't download anything on her own. Of course I asked parents of other children her age about apps before I said yes. Of course I was making sure that she was "safe" online.
Mistake #3 - Social Media
Anxiety that worsened daily. Depression that spawned like the plants that died in the winter and you had forgotten about completely until the peaked through the mulch last month. Numbness created in my daughter that I wasn't aware was possible.
Giving a child access to social media is one of the biggest parenting mistakes I have made to date.
There is a reason we have to lie about their age. It has been determined that these kids are too young for these services, and I am seeing the why very quickly.
At 9 years old, I played outside. I remember drawing cities out of sidewalk chalk and driving my bike through them. I remember using rocks and sticks to build "houses" and moving the outdoor furniture into my new place. I remember looking forward to school because I saw my friends again. Going to Girl Scouts was the highlight of the week, and there was no such thing as the internet. We didn't have a computer. We didn't even have the ability to record what was coming on TV tonight. Instant gratification was minimal, and everything was a treat! We couldn't afford to go out to eat, and there was no weekly trips to ChickFilA. We played outside because if we told Mom that we were bored, she would find a chore for us to do! We had imaginations because we had no choice.
At 9 years old, my daughter constantly worries about what her friends are doing. "She had a sleepover with so and so." "Why didn't she invite me to this?" "Why can't I have this?" She has been sobbing and melting down too many times too count because she knows too much about what she is not a part of! By trying to prevent FOMO, I actually have created the biggest of all FOMO monsters. She has absolutely no concept of money or appreciation for what she has. "She got a new iPhone X mom, really, all I have is an iPod." "They went to Great Wolf Lodge for 3 days, and you have never taken me there once." "Look, she has cute clothes, and you never let me go shopping."
She is oblivious to her responsibilities at home. Her room is a mess, constantly, and I have to threaten her losing the phone to clean it. She doesn't want to take a shower in the evening because she is talking to "so and so". She doesn't want to eat dinner with us because she can't have electronics at the table. She doesn't seem to understand the danger of posting online. She doesn't know that posting a video where she says the name of her school, exposes her to the risk of abduction. She sees a video on TikTok and copies it unaware of what the song says or that throwing the bird to the camera is not age appropriate.
How can I undo the madness I have created? How can I create gratitude and true appreciation for the things my daughter has? How can I take away this completely unnecessary anxiety and depression? How can I help her understand that the internet is a dangerous place that can expose her to an evil world?
CONTROL+Z
We are officially in Boot Camp mode.
I make mistakes often, and I am woman enough to admit when I do so.
Phone... Gone. Social Media... Gone. Internet... Gone.
Fitting in with her friends is not worth the brattiness, the lack of awareness, or the sheer stress.
My kids DO NOT run my house. It's time for Mom to put things back in check.
I have to undo what I have unintentionally let happen.
CONTROL+Z
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