The Art of Apologizing

My wonderful couple's small group had an awesome discussion last night, that really got me thinking.  I have blogged before about my ideals on marriage, and how making a marriage is a job.  There are lots things that you have to learn about your spouse over the years, to better equip yourself for the journey you take together.  Think of this mandatory education as a way to make this journey more fun and less of a challenge! More than most people I know have heard of the 5 Love Languages.  Figuring out your love language and the language of your spouse, can really prevent a lot of fighting.  You learn how they see love, and how they show love.  If you haven't heard of these... here they are for you.

Words of Affirmation

If your spouse's primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will fall like rain on parched soil. Before long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds to your words of love.

Acts of Service

Do you remember the old saying, "Actions speak louder than words"? For some people, that is particularly true of love. If acts of service is your spouse's primary love language, nothing will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service. 

Receiving Gifts

The gifts need not be expensive or elaborate; it's the thought that counts. Even something as simple as a homemade card or a few cheerful flowers will communicate your love to your spouse. Little things mean a lot to a person whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

Quality Time

If your spouse's love language is quality time, giving him or her your undivided attention is one of the best ways you can show your love. Some men pride themselves on being able to watch television, read a magazine, and listen to their wives, all at the same time. That is an admirable trait, but it is not speaking the love language of quality time.

Physical Touch

If physical touch is your spouse's primary love language, nothing communicates love more clearly than for you to take the initiative to reach out and touch your mate.

(These descriptions all come from Focus on the Family)

(If you would like to take the online quiz to find out what your love language is, you can do so HERE.)

I know without a shadow of a doubt that my husband needs love spoken via physical touch.  He needs hugs, kisses, hand holding, and closeness to feel loved.  He speaks love via acts of service.  I speak love through gifts.  I LOVE giving gifts, and it makes me feel like I have shown love when someone loves something I give them.  I need to quality time, and words of affirmation.  Both of my children crave physical touch, but my 4 year old, really needs words of affirmation. By determining what languages your loved ones use and need, it is so much easier to communicate love.

The same concept can be applied to the concept of apologizing.  So, you have taken the time to learn your spouse's love language, have you stopped to think that maybe your spouse doesn't hear your apologies in the same context that you speak them???  We all need a different type of apology & I can really help you avoid additional arguments and a lot of hurt feelings by sharing these with you!

Expressing Regret ("I am sorry")

List the hurtful effects of your action. Show remorse. It doesn't count if the person is only sorry that they got caught! 

Accepting Responsibility ("I was wrong")

Name your mistake & accept fault.  Not that it is easier to say "You are right" than "I am wrong", but the latter carries more weight.

Restitution ("What can I do to make it right?")

How are they now?  Is any debt owed or repayment due?  How shall I make amends to you?  Do they need help dusting themselves off and getting back up on their feet?

Repentance ("I'll try not to do it again.")

Repentance literally means turning around 180 degrees.  Engage in problem-solving.  Don't make excuses.

Requesting Forgiveness ("Will you please forgive me?")

Be patient in seeking forgiveness and reconciliation.  The may need some time or greater clarification of your input from Apology Languages 1-4.

When you know you have offended or hurt your spouse, act quickly & humbly to repair the damage you have caused.  There is nothing wrong with humbling yourself before the person you have promised to love for the rest of your earthly days.  We get too comfortable in our marriages and the complacency can lead to hurtful comments and wrong doings without meaning to do them at all.  You have to keep dating your spouse.  Before you do or say something, think about your dating days, and decide if you would have been willing to do or say that same thing before you tied the knot.  If you wouldn't be, it might be best to think things over for a bit before you move forward.  

Apologize to them when you have hurt them, and do it in the language that they process well!  One of our "couple" friends learned last night that his apology language is Repentance & Requesting Forgiveness.  Her language was Expressing Regret & Accepting Responsibility.  There is potential danger here in the way they hear apologies very differently.  Her apology is short and sweet.  "I screwed it up, and I am sorry".  In her mind, she has owned up to it and apologized, so they need to move on.  In his mind, she hasn't really apologized in a way that he feels is appropriate.  When he apologizes, he gives layers of apology.  "Things will be different in the future, and I hope you will forgive me."  Because she hears apology different that he does, his apology seems forced, fake, and in-genuine.  

Take a few minutes today and take this online quiz.  Learn what language you need to hear apology in, and have your spouse do the same.  Take the time to learn what the other needs, and practice apologizing in the way they will hear it, process it, and feel like their feelings matter to you.  

I bet you it will help more than you thought it was possible!

YOU ARE WELCOME!