It's My Story

My story started 32 and a half years ago.  It started in North Carolina, and at some point in the 90's, I picked up a pencil, and started writing my book.  In my 32 years, I have had to make a lot of choices. Some of the choices I made were good, some were amazing, and some where terrible.  Along the path of life, I was writing my story.  A twisted hot mess version of life!  Learning lessons along the way, and sometimes wishing I could erase the last chapter, I kept writing.

In 2007, I changed my last name.  The story kept going, but now the author's name was different.  My idea of what that name change meant, at the time, is one that most would see as antiquated this day in age.  While the word submit is not something I believe should apply to any relationship, I fully dedicated myself to my growing family.

3 years after my name change, our family grew by 1.  I officially became a mom, and I learned what the deepest form of love felt like.  I never wanted to be a stay at home mom, but one look at that sweet baby girl, and I was officially retired!  In 2010, Pinterest was new to the world, and mom life was still a LOT of guess and check!  I had a flip phone with a terrible camera, so I wasn't always sharing pictures of our day.  I wasn't constantly getting feedback, and I didn't feel judged.

We relocated a year later to Richmond, VA, and I had to start a new life, from what felt like scratch!  I had a 15 month old child, and learned our family was going to grow by 1 more the month of the move.  It took time to land on my feet and feel like Virginia was home, but eventually I had built a life there.  Friends became family, and I learned to love this new state and home.  I also became the proud owner of an iPhone that year, and in 2012 I created an Instagram account.

I started sharing sweet pictures of my babies online, and the world was able to see my happy little family.  What they didn't see, was the struggle that began that year.  The struggle that lasted for the next 5 years of my life.

Trust is everything in a relationship, and when it is shattered, the foundation crumbles.  It is hard to regain, to rebuild, and cracks become giant sink holes if you aren't careful.  Ignoring the problem only creates more, but I did just that.  I smiled, and I kept smiling.  Posting pictures, I continued writing a story for the world to see.  This isn't who I am.  I am not fake.  I am honest, and transparent, and I didn't even realize what a hypocrite I had become.

Last year, another relocation made northern Maryland home, and once again... I found myself starting over.  I lost all of the help I had in Virginia, I was without those friends who had become family, and I was alone.  I started building a life and without realizing it, I let go of the ownership rights to my story.  I handed the pen to someone else, and they started writing my story for me.  I had a ghost writer, that I never hired.  I continued to post pictures and the world assumed everything was beautiful.  I focused on things like a new small business, or redecorating my home, to avoid the hole that my relationship had eaten in my life.

Last month, my world shattered.  The person I had built my life around, walked away.
For days I was in complete shock.  How could this happen?  What is going on?  Why?  I needed answers.  After a week or 2, I realized that the shock wasn't because the end had arrived.  That happened a long time ago.  I had stopped writing my story.  I couldn't even find the pencil.  I had to go to the store, buy a new one, and sharpen it!!!  This wasn't me.  I am not this person.
I am blunt.  I am honest.  I am transparent.  Yet, the number of people who knew what was going on was very short.  Social media had created a monster!  A monster that I can't stand.

For decades, no one talked about miscarriage.  It wasn't to be discussed.  So when I had a miscarriage in 2009, I was FLOORED, to learn how many people have experienced the same crushing pain.
Relationship problems seem to be the same.  No one talks about them, because they are embarrassed that life isn't perfect.  Truth is, no relationship is perfect... NONE.  If someone says their relationship is ending, there shouldn't be shock from family and friends.  There should be questions, there should be support, there should be encouragement.  I was BLOWN away by how much of this I have received in the last few weeks.
Questions... "Are you okay?"  "What can I do to help?"  "How can I pray?"
Support... "I love you."  "Let me watch the kids."  "I am taking you to lunch."
Encouragement... "You are an amazing mom."  "You are doing great."  "Keep it up Jess."

And through the last 5 weeks, I have started writing again.  It is because of the constant support and encouragement that I have found the will to write.  I am blessed beyond all definitions of the word.  2 incredible kids that I get the gift of raising, friends and Family who love me unconditionally, and a God that loves me without failing.  And I am excited to return to North Carolina where my story began to continue writing my future.

I am going to be okay, in fact... I am going to be more than okay!  I am going to be great!  I am the author again, because this story belongs to me!