You Deserve Better

I am in my 5th season as a special needs mom.  We were inducted into the club of Special Needs Families Club almost 5 years ago to the date.  5 years ago, we were home and resting from a sedated MRI earlier that day.  Until October 19, 2012, I was a fairly optimistic person when it came to anything medical.  I miss the ignorance and unawareness that I had 5 years ago, today.  

I thought the MRI and the sedation was the hard part!  

I thought we would be cleared the following day.

I thought our lives would still be "normal".

October 19, 2012, started off like any other day.  We woke up, we got ready, and we went to the hospital to see a doctor for a review of the scan.  While going to the hospital wasn't "normal" for us, it became pretty normal fairly quick.  I remember pushing the stroller.  I remember my sweet big chubby boy, who still couldn't sit up on his own yet at 9 months old, snuggling in my lap.  I remember walking into the exam room, and sitting in the uncomfortable chairs that must have been in that exact same spot for the last 25 years.  I remember the red and blue bowtie that Dr. Taylor was wearing that day.  I even remember the oblivious smile I was wearing up until his words became reality.

The diagnosis was complicated.  There was multiple parts, medical explanations, and a prognosis that labeled my sweet son with "a forever child".  A part of me died that die.  The ride home from the hospital was a blur.  I spoke to countless people on the phone after getting home, and I honestly couldn't tell you who a single one of them were.  

I remember sitting on the front porch of our house in Richmond, VA.  It was a breezy fall day, and I didn't enjoy a single second of that beautiful day.  

I was a statue.  I was destroyed.  I was helpless.  

Until that day, I hadn't truly felt like a failure as a mother.  His condition stemmed from my pregnancy.  It happened because of a virus I caught BETWEEN my pregnancies.  This was my fault.  How could I let this happen to my child.  It was my job to protect him.  I was angry and disappointed at myself, and mourning the loss of the child I had imagined growing up, being a basketball sideline mom for, watching him get married, and have children of his own one day.  That was gone.  

Therapies, wheelchairs, special classrooms, doctors, surgeries... my mind was running in circles that day.  It took a few weeks to snap out of the depression of that loss, and become the mom that my son NEEDED.  The mom he deserved.  

I contacted the Infant & Toddler Early Childhood Department in Richmond, and he was evaluated just a couple of weeks later.  Therapy began immediately and life as we knew it completely changed!

If you met my son today, it wouldn't take you long to realize he is special needs.  However, those who have watched him grow over the years know the hard work and the amazing journey he has taken to get where he is today.  The challenges that child faces daily would exhaust a lot of people and he tackles them all with a smile on his face... most of the time!  He has blown the original prognosis out of the water and is smarter than any doctor ever predicted.  He constantly makes this momma proud!

This brings me to why I wanted to write today.  While tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of D Day, that was not the point of this post.  Last night I was scrolling Facebook, when I came to a video that made me physically ill.  I thought I was actually going to throw up, and I couldn't hold the flood of tears back that poured from my eyes.  A special needs student.  A 3rd Grade.  A child who was 8 or 9 years old.  Handcuffed because of his "behavior".  Behavior that is directly due to the special needs condition that this child has.  

I wanted to take a second and speak to those who are reading that that know nothing about the life of a special needs child.  YOU THINK YOU KNOW, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

A lot of people have had some form of interaction with special needs adults and/or children, even if it isn't a part of life within their immediate or extended family.  People who have spent time with people who have special needs generally have an empathy for all people that is enviable.  The understand that sometimes you have to give someone the benefit of the doubt, that people need help, and they don't make assumptions.  It takes time for this to happen and build.  It is the reason that having special needs children, like my son, in a general education classroom is beneficial to every child in the room.  It is absolutely the least restrictive environment for him, but it also teaches the children in the class how to interact with him and others with special conditions and challenges.  These children are raised with an empathy to others.  They do not turn their nose up and they ask questions that allow education to take place.  

I understand that this day in age is very different from the 80s, the 90's, and the early 2000's.  I understand that many adults this day in age weren't exposed to special needs children and simply no nothing about how to interact with them.  BUT... there is absolutely nothing acceptable about what happened in the elementary school in Kentucky.  I am going to make it very clear that if the child in handcuffs had been my own, I would own the state of Kentucky at this point.  

This adult was clueless of how to interact, acknowledge, or handle the behaviors of this child.  The other adults in the room not only didn't stand up for the child, but one videoed the entire thing instead of taking action.  

A special needs child is in fact A CHILD.  A child that needs to be treated fairly and with respect and kindness.  The scars left from the handcuffs (which were not only placed on a child, but placed above his elbows, locking his shoulders back) will heal, but the emotional damage that this child will deal may never go away.  These special needs children trust adults because they have too.  They rely on adults, and they aren't fully independent.  They need us to protect them and care for them.  They don't need stares.  They don't need pity.  They don't need abuse.

I encourage you, the next time you come across a special needs child to treat them as you would any other child.  If you were in line at Chick Fil A and a little girl was waving at you 2 people up, would you wave back?  Would you say hi, and tell her that she is sweet?  Would you say something to make her smile?  Maybe tell her how pretty her sparkly shoes are.  If you would, do the same thing for a child with special needs.  Don't ignore them like they aren't there.  I know you were taught not to stare, and you shouldn't stare!  But they are people, so look them in the eye.  Wave to them, and tell them that you like their shoes!  You have no idea what a compliment and attention does for these children.  If you see something horrible like this handcuff horror happening, STAND UP for the child involved.  It is okay to be the person who puts the camera down and says "this is BULLS#!+ and I can't allow you to do this to this child."  

I pray that my son will never have an experience like this one, and that he will never have to lose trust in the adults who are a part of his life.  I say that same prayer for all of the special needs children  (& adults) out there.  You deserve better.  You deserve the best life possible, and I pray that you know love in big ways.