One of THOSE Days

As kids, we all had dreams.  Ideas of what our lives would look like when we grew up.  It was easy to picture ourselves being just about anything!  I wanted to work at McDonalds, so I could wear the cool headset.  I wanted to be an ice skater so I could spin like Nancy Kerrigan, hold the knee beating from Tonya Harding please.  I wanted to be a back up dancer for Britney Spears.  I wanted to work for the CIA.  I wanted to work in the ER as a doctor.  I wanted to sing on stage in front of hundreds of fans.

I wanted to do a lot of things that never panned out, but there was one thing I wanted that became reality.  I wanted to be a mom.  

The beautiful picture that I painted myself of what motherhood would look like was more than naive. I guess I choose to ignore the reality that parents of the many kids I watched, taught, or nannied talked about!  I pictured my sweet family of 6 sitting around a Christmas tree.  Reading a book together in matching pajamas.  I pictured the same 6 people sitting around a table with a beautifully cooked meal.  All 6 of us ate what was cooked, we laughed and joked about life and caught up on our days.  I pictured our family at basketball games, softball games, football games, and soccer games all supporting one another.  

What I didn't picture or even think about was the challenges that accompany being a parent.  I didn't think about a late potty trainer, or a struggling reader.  I didn't picture ADD or seizures.  I didn't picture endless arguments about flushing a toilet.  I didn't picture evenings where not a single one of us made it to the dinner table because we ate in shifts and nothing was cooked.  I didn't picture sick kids or hospital visits.  

Maybe I choose to look past a lot of things that someone whom has never had children wouldn't know in the first place.  But I signed up to be a mom.  I did this willingly.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, and I knew how it happened.  I didn't let it happen once, I let it happen twice.  I knew after 2 that I wasn't built to be a mom of 4, and I accepted that. 

In my 8 years as a mom, I can remember 2 family dinners around the table.  Both were spaghetti and we may have sat together for 5 mins between the constant "I need more milk", "I dropped my fork", "Can I eat something else?" comments that erupted from their little mouths.  We never sat around the Christmas tree as a family reading a book in matching pajamas, and we haven't really reached the stage of supporting each other in sports just yet.  

I may not have know what this would be like, but I signed up for it.  

What I didn't sign up for, was doing it alone.  

Some days I smile and I find happiness everywhere I look.  Some days I am grateful that I don't have to split time with the kids, and I don't have to deal with constant custody battles.  Some days I face every hurdle head on and my knees do not buckle at all.

And then there are days like today.  Days where it doesn't matter what you did to prevent it, your youngest caught the flu.  Days where the "mommy" in you is so worn out that you can't stand the word mommy anymore.  Being a single mom is one of the hardest things I have done to date, and on days like today, my eyes leak a lot.  I find myself staring at the ceiling and asking Him things that I probably shouldn't.  Blaming Him for things that aren't His fault.  "I gave him the flu shot this year, what was the point?  If you were just going to sit back and let him get the flu, then why torcher him with a shot?'

On days like these I want to throw my hands up and walk away.  But I can't.  Quitting is not an option. I can't quit them, because they need me.  And even though they don't express it often, they appreciate everything I do for them.  I may not have signed up to be a single mom, but they certainly didn't sign up to be short handed in the mom department.  

So I push through.  I wipe the tears away, put on my big girl panties, drink a swig of wine straight from the bottle... and power through.  

To the women out there who are single moms, and the men out there who are single dads... you are soldiers.  I feel you, and I am giving you all the Hunger Games "3 finger air kiss" right now.  

CHEERS