One of the qualities that I like the most about myself is my honesty. I am a transparent person and I tend to be an open book. This also tends to be one of the things I dislike the most about myself. I often find myself torn between having a private life, and not wanting to hide behind a wall.
When my marriage ended, I was incredibly open and honest about what took place. While I didn't want to drag anyone's name through the mud, I had no real reason to hold back when asked questions. I took to my blog, as I often do to share my feelings, my opinions, and my fears for the future.
When I blog, I expect a lot of things. I expect that opinions will be formed about what I write, and I expect that not everyone will agree with what I say. I expect that some will agree whole heartedly and will share the blog on their end. This opens my opinions up to people I have never even come in contact with. This being said, I tend to blog with a purpose.
I do not often write just to write. I write with a reason, personal experience, and a goal of doing some good in the world, even in just a small blog kind of way.
What I didn't expect within the last 6 months was to become what I now call a "Poster Child" for divorce. I honestly never believed in divorce. I was the product of not 1 but 3 divorces and an additional separation. I wanted to make sure that my kids weren't put through what I experienced years ago.
However, when it happened, I shared.
That is what I do here. I didn't realize that by doing this, I actually opened a door for so many people that I know and love to share with me about their marriages being on the rocks. I was saddened every time I received a message from another friend about their marriage coming to an end as well.
I had to step back and big picture this. The most common message I was receiving was "How did you do it?" They wanted to know real logistics, because they were drowning in the what ifs on their ends. They were afraid to leave, afraid to walk away from horrible situations because they feared starting over. They feared being on their own. And most importantly they feared being alone.
I have been back in the world of adult dating for a few months now, and I have met some interesting people in the process! I have met some serious duds and I have met some pretty cool people, which resulting in friendships if nothing else.
I thought I would take a second to share my thoughts on this whole dating situation with the people (male or female) that need to hear it to the most!
1) YOU ARE ENOUGH.
This is something that you need to understand. You do not NEED to be with someone just to feel like you are not alone. One of the loneliest places I have ever sat was on a couch beside someone who didn't want to be with me. I believed fully when I left that no one would ever want me again. I now included 2 children, baggage which would be viewed as a complication. "Why would anyone want to deal with me and this world I have created, because I am not worth it." Except that I am worth it, because I am enough. I do not have to be anything other than who I am. Someone will want everything I have to offer one day, and until then... I can keep working on me! I can keep finding myself and learn what I have to offer. I can prepare myself so that when this person walks into my life, I am ready. Remind yourself that YOU ARE ENOUGH. Write it on a piece of paper, and tape it to your bathroom mirror, make the lock screen on your phone an image that says that phrase, tattoo it on your wrist... I don't care what you have to do to remind yourself of this! DO IT!
2) YOU ARE STRONG.
You honestly do no know how strong you are until strong is the only option you have. You will find strength that you didn't know existed. If you are a parent, and you will now be raising kids alone... strong is not a choice. You have to be there for them. You have to be the rock they need in their life. Do little things for yourself that give you the ability to continue being their strength every single day. Emotions will happen. Tears will fall. You will scream and you will cuss. Some days I find myself literally yelling at God. Staring up at my ceiling, hands out, and screaming at him to fix it. Help me, I know you can, so stop waiting around and just help me. When you reach a point where you yell at God, it means your relationship is real! Relationships include fights, so telling Him your fears and frustrations like you would your parents, your friends, your significant other... that makes it real. There is no weakness behind emotion, so don't beat yourself up for feeling it. Use that emotion to build strength.
3) YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
When marriages end, it becomes incredibly easy to believe that you are unlovable, you are not worthy, you are not beautiful. And I have news for you... that is bullshit! (Yes, I love Jesus, and I cuss a little... some days a lot.) One of the most important things to remember is not to get involved with anyone else until you can look at yourself in the mirror and love who you see. If you can't love yourself, you are not ready to love another person. There is no shame in confidence, and it takes time to build it. Within a month of my agreement being final, I began to like the person I saw in the mirror. She lost 30lbs, and she smiled a lot more than she had in the last 5 years combined. She glowed, because the weight of the world had been lifted off of her shoulders. Someone I love actually said to me...
"I didn't realize how unhappy you were. I thought your personality was just who you were, and you are such a fun person now. You are obviously happy now, and I hate that the person I knew before was so unhappy."
I didn't even realize how much my unhappiness had seeped into all of my other relationships. I shut myself off to the world, and I hated who I became. When you get a fresh start, SEIZE IT. It is rare that you get a second chance in this lifetime, so find yourself. Work on getting to a place that you smile when you look at your reflection. You are beautiful, accept that!
4) YOU ARE LOVABLE.
Believe it or not, there is someone out there praying that they meet you. You don't know each other yet. You may not have met. But they are preparing themselves for the day you meet. It may take weeks, months, or years, but it will happen. In the meantime, enjoy the opportunity you have to meet new people. Do not rush into a relationship so that you won't be alone. Statistics show that 50% of marriages fail... but they also show that 67% of second marriages fail. Even worse 73% of third marriages fail. Why do you think that number gets higher and higher? Because people rebound and settle. If I am honest, coming out of a 10 year marriage meant that I had no freaking clue how to be a girlfriend again. I found myself being "wifey" to anyone I went on a date with. Thankfully I saw it, and immediately went to work on fixing this. Practice being a friend. When you build a friendship with someone, you are taking the time to get to know them. You are not rushing something, you are not forcing something, you are not settling. You deserve a happy relationship. Your children deserve to be a part of something that they can look at and learn from. Positive role models, loving environments, and a happy home. Rushing into something because you fear that you are not lovable does everyone involved an injustice. Mr Right is out there, so take your time because believe it or not someone would happily be a part of your life and love you the way you should be loved.
5) YOU ARE SUPPORTED.
Lastly but certainly not to be overlooked. Seek your support system. You will find peace and feel a lot less anxiety when you surround yourself with a solid support system. I had no idea how large my support system was until I opened up and let them in. I had built walls of secrets around me, and when the walls fell down, people were knocking other people out of the way to help me, hug me, and be there for me. Instead of pouring yourself into a new relationship fresh out of the gates, surround yourself with people who love you, care about you, and want to see you succeed. Show your appreciation for them. Spend quality time with them. Tend to these relationships and watch how quickly you find that happiness you didn't know existed. You can do anything you want to with the right amount of support! Weed out the negative relationships in your life, and make sure that your tribe is PRO YOU!
Starting over is scary. Being a single parent is overwhelming. Single life as an adult is strange to say the least! But it is all an experience and if you look at it as an adventure and part of your journey... you won't feel so much anxiety!
I am not sure that I am the best "Poster Child" for divorce, being a single parent, or anything for that matter, but what I can be is honest. If you need honesty, I am your girl! I am flattered that anyone would look to me for advice. I am honored that people trust me with their stories and seek my opinions. I will never share what I am told. I will never judge you. I will be honest, good or bad, because that is what real friendships are made from.
If you have messaged me about your marriage, I have prayed for you. I will continue to be here for you if you need a safe place to seek support. I am currently writing a book! That is correct, I am 5 chapters into writing a book about my experience. I want to help how I can. I have had an incredible group of supportive friends and family through this... and I am so grateful for all of you.
"But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength"
2 Timothy 4:17
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